TRANSPARENT ATMA

Where are we? If we lose our place at Prasanthi Nilayam then where are we? Are we in the world then, now? Do we have a place anywhere at all?

Yesterday I finished my process for Medicaid so now my name, my ID number, my golden card number, my phone number, my social security number, my zip code number, my birth date number in 6 digits, my account number, my pin code number, my pass code and my user name, are all in the public domain. But do they have anything to do with who I am? They wanted me to click in my ten digit number, my nine digit number and my 16 digit number. It took me three attempts before I could click in the 16 digit number correctly. Do any of these numbers have anything to do with me? Oh God, no! They don’t know who I am at all. But that’s not the point, of course. The point is, do I know who I am?

When I was at the ashram I knew lots of things. I knew that I was a devotee, that I lived in a space which was mine and sat in a special seat. I always ate in the western canteen, usually pasta, instead of the food in the south Indian canteen which had too many chillies or the north Indian canteen which was also a little too hot. I wore only sarees, usually cotton handlooms and my hair was in a tight bun in the back. That was who I was then, wasn’t it? No, that wasn’t who I was any more than that 16 digit number. Of course not. Was that saree clad woman in the special seat anymore who I am than the woman on Medicaid?

Of course not, If I am only a bunch of numbers then I’m even less definite about who I am. In fact I feel more transparent, without attributes, and that is good.

Last night I had a three way conversation with my sister and a very old dear friend I’ve known since high school. I spent most of the time just listening to them talk about their children and families, grand children, great grandchildren etc. Almost all of my sister’s kids grew up here in this house after I dashed off to India. It was like listening to the Parade of the Family.

“And what are you doing now, Susie,” asked Bill. “Oh, I pray a lot.” “Interesting, but what do you do?”“I’m doing a blog. I’ll send you a link”

I suddenly felt very sort of transparent almost invisible. I tried but I couldn’t identify with either one on the phone. I couldn’t identify with the lady in the saree who lived in India either. Not related, neti, neti. Oh God, 30 years of neti, neti , YOU KNOW, this ‘not this, not this either.

When will I be able to say, “Hey, wait a second, back up a little, yes, that IS WHO I AM. But, will there be words to describe it or only BLISS. “I’m really glad that I avoided all the householder stuff,” I said. “I’m just hoping to find out who I really am,” I continued. “I thought you were going to a Buddhist temple, Bill.” “I never even considered it. No, I am my own religion.” “That’s good. Bill because you really are the Divine Self, in fact, everything else is only imagination. There is only the Self”

My sister said that her children and grandchildren and the greats, all of them were her Greater self, her expanded self.

Later I thought I should have said, “ Well my greater self is the writer of all those children’s books for Swami’s kids, 5 of which are on sale right now in the book store. But, I’m really glad I didn’t say that because it would have been ego tripping. “Greater self” is not the same then as the “Real self” as opposed to the “small self” Real self is what we should try to find, not greater. Real is transparent and without attributes. It is everywhere and omnipresent; it is Truth, it is the Atma.

That IS WHAT I AM. But, will there be words to describe it or only BLISS

Continuation of Lalitha Sahasranama

You are Tat, TWAM and AYI

You are the five Koshas, boundless glory, ever youthful, ever inebriated

with red tinged eyes and rosy cheeks of rapture. You are fragrant with sandal paste and fond ofchampa flowers. You are skillful, graceful Kurukulla, ruler of Kula, Kulakunda

You are devoted to Kaula tradition

You are the mother and father of Kumara, Kumarika and Gananatha

You are Pushti, Tusti and Mati

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You are fortitude, serenity, benediction, luminosity, delight

451 Salutations to you who removes obstacles. You are effulgent, three eyed, love in women, You are the fifty two syllables, matrka, Hamsa Mantra

And you are the creatrix and the creator

You dwells in Malaya mountains, you have a lovely face, Nalini, with attractive eye brows

You are a radiant beauty, leader of the gods, Kala-Kantha and His consort

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You are resplendent and your

upheaval results in karma You are the suble form,Vajesvari and Vajeswara

You are Yama Deva and his wife and

devoid of old age, God and Goddess of siddhas, the fruitful Sri Vidya Mantra,

the helpful mother and father

474 Salutations to Dakini who resides in theVisudda Chakra, rosy complexion, three eyes, armed with club, single face, likes offerings of payasa

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You rule over sensation of touch,

frightful to the ignorant, surrounded by sixteen shakthis

Salutations to you who is Rakini

You dwells in the Anahata, have shining dark complexion, two faces, shining fangs, wears a rosary, presides over blood, surrounded by eleven shathis, likes offerings of rice and ghee and grants boons to heros

Salutations to her who is Mother Lakini

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You dwell in Manipura. You have three faces, hold the thunderbolt, surrounded by ten shakthis, a ruddy hue, presides over flesh, like rice with jaggery, bestows happiness

503 Salutations to you who is Goddess Kakini in Svadhisthana Chakra

You have four faces hold the trident

,is a golden color, dignified, presides over fatty tissue and you love offerings of honey and curd with

six shakthis

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Salutations to Goddess Sakini, in Muladhara Chakra, You have five faces, presides over bones, armed with goad, attended by four shakthis, like pulse and rice

Salutations to Goddess Hakini in the Ajna You are white in color, six faces, who presides over marrow, attended by Hamsavati, like offerings of saffron flavored rice

527 Salutations to her who is Goddess Yakini in the Sahasrara,

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You are all colors, all weapons, presides over vital fluids

Face in all directions, love all food offerings

Salutations to you are Svaha, Svadha, Amati, Buddhi, intelligence, Sruti and memory There is nothing superior to you. You are famed for your holiness, attained through holiness, and you bestows holiness for praise, You are adored by Indra and His wife, you are Indra and His wife.

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You liberate us from Samsara, have wavy hair and you are, Objective, You give vidya, enlightenment

550 Salutations to her who is Akasha

you cures ills, ward off death, first

You transcends thought and destroy sins of Kali yuga, you are the effulgence of deities, and put end to time, worshiped by Lord Vishnu

Your mouth has betel nut. shine like pomegranate flower, doe eyed, bewitching beauty.

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First born of creation, Mrda and his consort, effulgent like the sun, eternally content, the treasure, guide and controller, and you rule the world

You are attained by loving kindness

witness to dissolution, parashakthi,

faith, pure consciousness, intoxicated by wine

576 ego consciousness of Shiva, all the alphabets, abode in Kailas, adorable,

Compassionate, you possesse the universe, Atma Vidya, Maha Vidya

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The fifteen lettered Mantra, the sixteen lettered mantra, meditated on by Kamadeva, three kutas of Mantra

Paramashiva, waited upon by crores of Lakshmis, dwells in sahasrara, shines as moon in sahasrara, Hrim dwelling in Bindu, all colors in the rainbow

You abide in our hearts, blaze in our hearts, dwells in center of muladhara

You destroy demons

600 Salutations to her who destroyed Daksha’s sacrifice

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You have eyes of mercy, a gentle smile

the form of the guru, treasure house of virtues, source of speech, mother and father of Kartikeya, ruler of divinities

sitting on the throne of justice, the subtle self, worshipped on full moon

worshipped on all phases, mistress of kalas, delights in poetry, served by Lakshmi and Saraswati, primordial power, immeasurable greatness

Salutations to her who is The Self,

the Supreme Self

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The Holy Form, you give birth to crores of world systems, The divine form, klim, Devoid of attributes, worshipped in secret, you confers kaivalya

626 Salutations to her who is tripura

Adored by three worlds, trimurthi

Master and mistress of the tridasa, panchadasi, full of divine fragrance

Adorned with bindu, Uma, Brahma vidya, Himalayas, Gauri , attended by Gandharvas, womb of the universe

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wholesome and charming,

you defeat the ignoble demon,

you preside over speech, you are approached by meditation, infinite

giver of supreme knowledge, embodiment of supreme knowledge

declared by Vedantans, you are supreme knowledge, Lopamudra mantra, sport of creation, not seen by ordinary vision, beyond objectivity

651 Salutations to her who is the ultimate subject

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Omniscient, the yoginis, you bestow yoga , object of yoga, bliss realized through yoga, bear yoke of evolution of yugas, will-knowledge-action,

resting place of all, firm foundation

being and non-being, overcome ignorance, eightfold form, you direct the cosmic process, alone, infinite

You have no opposite, without duality

feed all, generous, primeval, oneness of the atma, immense, eternal witness

675 You belong to the eternal

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The bliss of Brahma, you love offerings, the form of language

You lead a mighty army, beyond being and non-being, easy to worship

give blessings of bliss, easy to traverse

Rajeswari, you bestow dominion, you love dominion, gloriously compassionate, raise to royal status

Goddess of sovereignty, presides over the kosas, commands armies, bestow imperial dominion, wedded to the truth, you wear girdle of seas

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taken a holy vow, quell the evil forces, hold world under your sway

grant all wants, creative power

700 Salutations to you, Existence Knowledge – Bliss, not limited by space and time, the inner controller

You cast your spell, Saraswati

the science of spirit, mother and father of Subramunyam, the subtle form,

no limits, devoted consort, guardian of sacred traditions, you dispel ignorance

‘I’ teacher of teachers

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