Independence

Dearest Sai Graduates, You know who you are!

Things went from bad to worse in the old family homestead as my elderly sister seemed to zero in on this younger elderly person. I wonder how many of you are also going through these re-entry traumas making you doubt your own worth. In India we had the protection of the greatest power who ever walked on this earth but where was He now?

I was tip-toeing around the house trying so hard to be loving and kind. I wondered if I should just lock myself up in the apartment now and stay until this Air Force man and his VIP family would leave. I consulted with the Lord

“Don’t you think that might hurt your sister’s feelings if you closed the door?” my inner Swami asked?

“Yes, I guess so, Swami.”

“And do you think I sent you to Florida to hurt her feelings?”

“No Swami, I know how much you love my sister.”

“Why did I send you here, do you know?”

“Because I had to leave the country and this was a safe place.”

“You think that’s why I sent you here?”

“No Swami, I also came because I love my sister very much and she is 85 and living all alone in this big old dark house.”

“But haven’t I said all along that I’m taking care of her?”

“Yes Swami but you know what a fraidy cat I am. I would never feel safe living here alone.”

“Your sister surrounds herself with white light. She has more faith than you have.”

“She is very independent and strong. I am not and never have been.”

“I know you better than you know yourself. Susan, you do love all and serve all most of the time. Florida is not an exception.”

“I know Swami, I’m trying.”

“Don’t try, do.”

“I knew that was coming.”

“What?”

“Nothing, Swami.”

(I made that part up)

Then we had another episode, about money.

I get 5oo a month on my pension and in India I feel like a millionaire or a crorepathi. I arrived with 200 dollars in my pocket and immediately offered to give all of it to my sister as I had no expenses. Even so I managed to spend 100 of it on stuff during the first week. Now I needed a mouse and speakers so I could do this blog. My sweet sister drove me to “Best Buys.”

“You think you should be driving at 85?” I asked

I got a look. She stayed in the car while I rushed in to get my stuff. I needed 10 more dollars for the speakers so I rushed out to borrow the money. She grumbled something but gave me the money,

I still had 500 in the USA Bank so I wrote out a check for 200 and asked her to cash it for me. When she returned from the bank she said, “ I want to talk to you.”

“It is time that you grew up. Susie. I will not keep your money. You must buy your own things and your own food and learn to cook.”

Had I ever asked her for a cent that I didn’t immediately repay?

“I never cook.” I said. I eat in the foreigner’s canteen in India. I eat mostly pasta and potatoes.”

“That is very bad for you. No wonder you have Diabetes.”

“I can’t chew because I don’t have teeth.”

“We’ll get you some. You can apply for Medicare.”

“I’m 75 years old.”

“You must be more independent.”

That night I cornered Swami just before I turned off the light.

“Do you want me to be more independent?”

Silence, (I usually get a tingle if the answer is yes.)

“Will you help me to learn to be more independent?”

Silence

I was puzzled because we had hashed over this independence issue before.

“Swami, do you care if I’m independent?”

“I care more about your realizing that you are one with your sister. You are the same, the same Atma, soul. You are not the doer, God is.”

“Yes Swami.”

“Why are you bothered by her criticism when you are the same? She’s only correcting herself.”

It was now that another one of her sons came into the picture. This son and his wife are into “Course in Miracles” which is a western Christian interpretation of Vedanta.

Things improved 1000 percent. We all went to an International Ball, I didn’t dance of course and my nephew and wife and I went to the Unity Church on Sunday. Besides she was a great cook!

Then it hit the fan one more time.

“Susan,” she said, giving me a bowl of raisins for the oatmeal. “ You must become more independent and grow up. I will help you.”

My new Sai Graduate self stood her ground.

“Now you listen to me.” I said. “I am 75 years old and have lived away from home for nearly 30 years. I may have sort of a child like personality but that’s me. Its who I am. I have always taken care of myself.”

“Sounds like the whole ashram was taking care of you, the sweeper, your maid etc.”

“That’s not true and they need the work to support their families. This is the kind of criticism I grew up with from Mama and it drove me to India. She is no longer here but I can see that you feel you must continue with her harangues. But I will not take this from you or anyone else. I will go back to India as soon as possible, like on July 15^th. That’s 75 days, I hope we can make it.

“Oh Susie, you never listen to me!”

Well I’ve worshipped my sister all my life. I knew that she was only trying to help. Being 10 years older she was like a mother to me when I was young but I had been on my own for 30 years and my sister was treating me like I was an idiot, without any respect

Better do it yourself

(Web footed friends)

R00/SN E/#96

AE

Oh, it’s better to do it yourself

Then to try to count on another

For if it never gets done

You can blame yourself

And no other

But then, if it is, done right

God’s the doer.

Song It’s better to do it yourself