Why, Lord, Why

Yes, while trying to meditate this morning I began to obsess again about my having to leave India. I remembered that Swami use to tell us that heaven was not a permanent state. When that good karma is finished we have to reincarnate again and take birth. I suppose that is about what happened. People say I had to come back because of the TB but many people in India have TB and they just either die or take treatment. Then people say also, well, He left His body and you were spared that. But I think the ones who stayed through all that grief were the lucky ones.

The entire time I was at Prasanthi I worked as much as possible in order to be worthy of my being there. I had been practically a life long Atheist and realized the spiritual karma was possibly scanty! At JuniorCollege I belonged to an intellectual crowd as we did the newsletter every month. I wrote about the gossip, not very intellectual. We spent a lot of time making fun of churches and singing jazzy hymns. It was at least ten years later when the spiritual thoughts began to come to me.

So while at the ashram, I felt as if I had to make up for lost time by writing the children's books. I can hardly even remember them now. In fact you know I wrote them all alone up there on the top floor of my round house. I spent about twenty years just writing and not being concerned about the outcome. Then for another ten years I tried to get them printed and sold in Swami's book store. At first my friend Ajay at Sai Selections got some of them printed in Bombay. Then when I started the Bala Devi books, my friend Padmanaben printed the first one in Delhi. But the very first books I got printed were done by the Raj Mata's daughter in London. They were the Frankie stories, Adventures in Sai Baba Land. They had been printed in Arkansa first by my friend Virgina. After the London printing. Sarla Shah, head of Bal Vikas had them printed in Bombay. Later I had them done in Bangalore twice so there were five printings of those stories.

After the Franky stories were printed I wrote stories to explain nine of the great religions. After adding games and songs and puzzles I put them into book form as the 'SarvaDharma' books. There were three books and I later added real information about the religions and called them, “Spirit of Brotherhood” and reprinted them again adding CD's of songs which I actually recorded in a studio in Bangalore. My friends Diane and Prithvi helped me to do that and later Diane proofed and designed them. They may still be available in Swami's book store along with the second book of Frankie's adventures.

Garden of Verses was another book that multiplied itself. At first it was verses about Swami's human values done in alphabetical form. A is for Atma, B is for brotherhood, C for Charity etc. That became a book because I included the Krishna play. Actually the Krishna play was the first thing I wrote when Swami gave me the room in the round house. There were at least nine songs which went with it and I later recorded them with a little group organized by my friend Al Levy right there on the ashram. I think that it can be found on my website and the book may still be in Swami's book store although probably not. Later I wrote a small book of songs based on the values set to common songs most people would know like, Twinkle Twinkle little smartie shining over Puttaparthi. These were actually a very good idea because I could have them photo copied to give away and hundreds were given away to Bal Vikas in South Africa. I later expanded that idea and did small books about Islam and Buddhism. In Puttaparthi for the festival of Id I would give away the little books to the Muslim shops.

And then there was Swami's Astotra or 108 names. When we were in Whitefield, usually waiting for Swami who took some of the devotees to Kodaikanal, my firnd Liz Elwell and I who had a joining rooms at the old guest house, use to do morning prayers starting with the Suprabatum and the Astotra. In the afternoon we also held a bhajan and many foreigners would have a chance to sing for the first time. Anyway I decided that those 108 names would be the basis for more books. Each name was translated and a lesson plan was written with activities, puzzles, translated singable bhajans and a story from His life. There were three books all together and two are available in the book store. I was beginning to be pretty sick and the middle book had so many typos my friend at the Book Trust, Mr. Rajan wouldn't sell it after it was printed. I couldn't afford to reprint it so I hauled them all away, placing them in Ajay's book store and Sai Towers.

As long as we are doing this we must not forget the “Mr. Gardener “ books. There were five that got printed, two more never did, They were about the Divine Gardener who was Swami, of course, Mr. Gardener and Anthony Ant, Mr. Gardener and Miss Posie, Mr. Whootie Owl. The Flowers ofVirtue etc. Oh yes and the Trees. They were large coloring books and I drew them myself. Well I am not a song writer but He gave me the music and poems and I'm not an artist but He made me draw the cartoons. None of this was done very well, you understand but they were passable, I guess. I felt I had to somehow earn my right to stay at the lotus Feet so I wrote as much as possible.

Well but that wasn't the reason I wrote the Bala Devi books because Swami wasn't even in those books until the fourth one. I wrote ten adventure books for teens based on a little girl avatar named Bala Devi. She was actually taken from the Brahmananda Purana and sat at the footstool of her mother Goddess Lalitha. She was the younger self of the Goddess and I thought she would be an icon for little girls everywhere as she came to earth to fight the bad forces. Brave and strong and incredibly sweet Bala Devi grew up in Bangalore got maarried and had children. When her grandchild finished school at Anantapur I wrote that she came to Texas, book number ten.

My Bala books were written out of attachment and I desperately wanted them to be a TV series or at least comic books. I have written so many letters to so many people but they never got off the ground. I read aloud the books and made them audio books but nothing ever happened. I had a psychic tell me that I'd better send Bala back to her mother's foot stool because she didn't like the books at all. But I found out later that Bala is a real goddess herself and has temples all over India. Someone gave me a small book in color about a Bala Devi temple in Andhra Pradesh. Many people have told me that Bala is my real self and I've had a vision of her sitting above my head as my crown chakra. I believe this is true and I'm glad but I really wanted her to be famous so all the little girls in the world could love her and want to be brave and strong the way she is. This was my one desire for years and years. I've begged Deepak Chopra's son to at least read the books or even listen to them but I'm afraid Goddess Lalitha Amma, won't allow.

OK I guess that's about all. Oh I didn't mention the song book with 60 praise and worship songs but that book wasn't accepted by the Trust. Why have I written all this? Why have I bored my couple of blog readers to death with all this. Well you know, I've never gotten any credit for any of it. There isn't even a list of all my stuff. OK, /Swami knows and He says that we can't have the fruits of our service. I had 'special sitting;' when I was at the ashram. That's enough. Maybe the books earned me the right to stay there inside the ashram for more than 30 years. But all good karma does end and then you have to take rebirth unless you know the truth. IF you know that there really aren't any books, if you know they are only imaginary books about an imaginary world of maya for a bunch of children who really only need Swami's love and He takes care of everything else and our SEVA IS POINTLESS ANYWAY... WHEN YOU REALLY GET THAT GOD IS ALL THERE IS you won't be accumulating good karma or bad karma any more and this is the goal, the only goal to even think about. But see, I still want my Bala Devi to be a world icon. Maybe that desire has held me back and sent me again into this world. I suppose this blog seems like a big ego trip but I never once told anyone else about all this stuff. You can find all of it on saiwonderland.net. All these hyears and I hardly told anyone to check it out.