Atma as Savior

It seems as if I have written this before. The bottom line is the Atma. When all else fails, the Atma is our only chance. At the bottom of the pole, as in 'bi-polar' the 'absolute will pull us back up the pole. I know this sounds really crazy.

Every morning I pray to the Cosmic Mother, (who is really Swami as He is ALL) Every morning I pray that I will be safe from Her goad of wrath and noose of love. Those are the two implements she has in her hands to carry us along'. The elephant goad of wrath which makes us angry, pushing us away and the noose of desire which pulls us towards people or things. I personally don't have much trouble with the goad of wrath as I'm not an angry person but in the past I have developed crushes on individuals so that I act silly. This is left over from high school but I will say that it hasn't been a problem recently. No crushes for a long time. Maybe its hormonal or maybe its because I pray so fervently that I won't have any more.

And so because I pray so often about this issue, I don't have a friend in the world at this point. My sister dumped me (at my request) in this apartment without a car, very little money and no friends. I bit the bullet. There have been two or three people who have almost qualified for the position of, 'friend' but I had to reject their applications. The first two because they hated this country. Hated this country while receiving monetary benefits. I felt that was uncalled for,

I have never been particularly patriotic myself but the kind generosity of the government has bowled me over. I was out of the country for over 30 years not paying into the system. And yet upon my return, my Daddy's government has given me subsidized housing through HUD, food stamps, medicaid AND medicare as well as help from the Pinallas Health Dept for TB. Oh and I can get taxis to take me to doctors appointments. I feel so completely taken care of, not because I'm the colonel's daughter but because I'm nobody at all....I'm an American and in India people starve and die of illness and live on the streets because they are poor. I really feel so lucky and grateful. Swami says we must have gratitude AND He says we must love out mother land. Well, I didn't for a long time and tried to get Indian citizenship two or three times AND YET here I am in the lap of luxury in St. Petersburg. So how can I be good friends with these recalcitrant people?

The third candidate for my friendship talks too much and brags all the time. What a bore. I had to fight to get a word in edge wise. When I was four years old I met a little girl who said her drawing was much better than mine. I said, 'you're bragging' and she beat me up and pulled my hair. Then, we became fast friends but I avoid that goad of wrath now.

So I'm totally alone except for the telephone. Which leaves me to myself which gives space for the Atma to shine. For thirty years I was enjoying myself too much in India to really go within. Well that's not true, for ten years I said 'Om Sai Ram' 2,600 times a day, but then I had fun which ruined my sadhana. Now I have another chance to get to know my Atma which is who I really am. I can be quiet. Wish me luck.