R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The best thing that has happened to me on this painful sojourn has been my association with Cristine. She is the lady who cleans for me. She does much more than that, of course. She keeps tract of my bills, figures our my payments, gets me cash when I write checks to her and gets things straightened out on the net. She has had some college and is bright but because of her addictions she isn't able to get out of a well of trouble and despair. In the mean time my brain seems to be whithering up and I can't do much for myself. I think she's wonderful and would do anything to help her but she has felonies which place a large black cloud over her future. My sister loves her too and has tried to get her to go to legal aide. She won't go and the subject depresses her so she drinks more beer. Her one fault is that she is not reliable which drives me and all the other little old people here in the apartments, a bit crazy.

I thought I could cope with that but yesterday I really needed her to clean as my puppy was full of fleas. Cristine also washes the dog even though she has an allergy to dogs. Ok so I washed Puggles myself but...Cristine has the vacuum cleaner to get up the fleas. She also has my basket on wheels to do the wash. She lost one. I don't know why I'm telling youall this. Is it spiritual?

Cristine has in the past seemed a bit resentful and my sister said that she is jealous of my position. My position! I'm on food stamps and SSI living in a flat subsidized by the government, and she's jealous? But I guess her position is worse than mine although I feel that we are equals. I mean it. In the mean time my brain seems to be getting weaker and I am depending on her for more and more things.

Yesterday I told her off and she is mad. I over pay her and over praise her and try in every way to make her understand that she's smart and I'm not. As a result she has little respect and sort of 'gets at me' every chance she gets. Yesterday was the final blow, I told her off, Swami glowered at me from His picture and now I've lost the best person He ever sent to help me.

Irena Tweedy says in 'Daughter of Fire” 'If I begin to help you, you will keep asking for help over and over again. Then how will you learn to overcome the obstacles yourself. You must do it yourself'. But the brain is dieing and I can't help myself when the cells are going blank. People thought for a long time that brain cells can't be rejuvenated but now it seems that they think one group may whither up but a new branch can grow. I should try harder, after all I've been computer literate for years now and I might be able to understand this stuff if I really try to focus. I know Swami helps me. He is helping me and won't let me go bankrupt. I was so bad at Prasanthi that I couldn't even make out a check correctly. I'll have to get my own vacuum cleaner now and a basket to do the wash. Yesterday I washed Puggles myself. I'll admit I do lean on people rather hard and I can see why she has no respect for me. My attitude is always,...You do it, I can't. But maybe I can do more than I am doing. Oh well, I can always get another lady to help me but Swami will send more difficulties too