When I went to see Swami in 1974 I was in a bad way. My partner of 15 years had just died of cancer. It had been a very supportive relationship and I felt lost and bewildered. My mental health had never been anything to write home about and I had been in and out of therapy for years. I asked Swami for a reason to live and He gave me Himself and His mission to live for. Fast forward to NOW. I am again all alone after 33 years living in the close confines of a Hindu ashram where everything is under strict control for you. Now I have to do it myself. I was really sort of panicky this morning because I couldn't meditate at all and many thoughts kept dive bombing my head. After 33 years of 'no feelings, I am a sadhaka' my heart is being over run by them. When I first met Swami I felt as if I had jumped off the high diving board into space. I lost my attributes.. When I moved into this apartment without anyone to support me, I felt the same. It was a gigantic leap into space. For about six months now I have been scrabbling for a footing without any attributes and I'm still scrabbling. The only attribute I have is LOVE. I don't even know who I am or what to do with all these feelings that are cropping up after all these years. Four out of seven days I am distracted by the nurse from the health dept. and the physical therapist and the precious being who cleans for me when she isn't too depressed. Today is an alone day...even Oprah has left her pulpit and I'm alone in the pew. The Heart to Heart thought for the day was so appropriate I went to all the trouble to write it out to copy it for you. I can forward these things but don't know how to copy and paste so I'll do this by hand.
'A wild horse is trained by many methods, similarly it is to train our unruly mind that we have prayer, bhajan and remembrance of the name. In the initial stages the horse runs in many directions but the trainer does not worry as he holds fast to the reins. The mind naturally runs in different directions when you begin but you must not yield to despair. Anxiety or indecision. Hold fast to the reins of Nama. Within a short time your speech and thoughts will come under your grasp. Do not allow anything to come near you that might make you forget the Name of the Lord.' taken from Dhyana Vahini
It was exactly what I needed to read and by making me copy it and write it on this blog Swami got me to really apply it to this 'stand alone' day. Took a long time though, it's gotten light outside.
I'm having trouble especially with the opposite sex. At the ashram we weren't allowed to even have conversations with guys if we were living inside the ashram. So now to suddenly be around all these men, even though they are elderly, is upsetting and I don't know how to handle it. I went to the Senior Center across the street for coffee, and sat next to a very fat old man who had lived in L.A. So we talked. He asked me about the pie (sweet potato) pie I was eating and I put a bite in his mouth. After that he followed me all around the center until I left. I'm afraid to go back now. You've heard the phrase, 'blow in my ear, I'll follow you anywhere'? Well, feeding an old man a piece of sweet potato pie works the same way. Now I'll go finish my prayers and stay with 'the Name' today...with His help.
The moral of this story is: don't feed strange men sweet potato pie! Haha. Seriously though, I have done the same thing, being nice and discovering with a shock that my actions had been interpreted as encouraging! Maybe that is our problem: we had no experience with guys and now, either ignore them altogether or act inappropriately because we get too comfortable. Only experience can teach us the happy medium. As long as we are caught in life, we have to try to think of it as an adventurous dream. Go with the flow might be a good motto. Don't take things too seriously, and try always to see the Divinity, humor and unlasting nature of this world.
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