Lord Shiva in the Real World

Lord Shiva in the Real World

Afew days ago I was thinking about my life here and deciding all was not really well. A large part of me was still in India and didn't want to let go of those roots. So, I spoke to the Administrator of Peterborough yesterday. I told her that I was thinking about returning to India for 6 months and then coming back to my flat. She explained that HUD pays like 700 a month for this flat and gives it to me for 90. HUD doesn't like loosing so much money and so they have a rule that a resident can't have two places at once. If you live here its because you need to and there are no alternatives. I was told that if I left before the year's lease was up, I could not return, not now, and NOT EVER.

THAT WAS TWO DAYS AGO AND I'M STILL LITERALLY DIZZY WITH THE NEWS.

I will not be able to return to Swami for another ten months at least. What have I done?

Well of course I could simply leave and tell them to keep all the garage sale furniture and the thrift shop clothes AND the computer printer and maybe the music board and....but maybe some of you remember what my celestial sister went through at her advanced age to get me here. Maybe the 'old Susie' would have been able to say.... “I'm going back to India, I'm splitting , sorry for all the trouble” but Sai Graduates don't express their love and gratitude in that manner. Besides in six months I'd be back on her door step. She would always take me in but.....I couldn't. Besides why did He let this happen? Did He want me to be stuck in the west.

You know, I've keep myself under wraps all this time, reading my prayers, meditating haha in the middle of the night and really not communicating very much. I'm actually alone here all day except when I run down in the elevator for the mail. At 1019 when a visitor would come I would excuse myself and run upstairs. Actually I never really left India. I have stayed isolated but how can I do this....for a year?

I could go across the street to the Senior Center but, yukk, what if I met someone....made a real friend who wasn't a Sai devotee. I could even join the Sai Baba Center. I wouldn't have to worry about meeting a friend there....not possible, but boring.

I thought that I had joined the world but now I realize I haven't at all. I'm shy. I only communicate by letter or by telephone. That's why I do this blog. I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE WORLD out there which I can see fifteen floors below. The lake is so very beautiful and the bay.

Did you all know that Shiva is the water? Shiva is the water and Shakthi, Goddess Parvati, is the life in the water. I look out on the bay many times during the day. Sometimes it is a silver line, sometimes when it is windy I can see silver caps and the water hitting the rocks. It's so beautiful. When I have trouble with jealousy like with my sister's kids, I make a packet and drop it in the bay. He takes all of that, you know, like He did when He swallowed all the poison. My Shiva is still swallowing the poison.

Oh God, how can I even step foot in the world of people who don't see that Lord Shiva is the Bay.