Graduates, move on

I think I sort of got it right this morning. With this bad memory of mine, the truth floats in and out but I hope to be able to hold on to this, this part of the truth, at least until Christmas.

It all started with plans for Christmas, I was planning one thing but 'the family' was planning another. So I took off the thin gold bracelet from the family and gave it to Swami. I gave Him the bracelet and threw in the family. It was a huge offering. After all I was only a visitor at their table anyway and left as soon as soon as I could make other arrangements. I really did bond with my precious sister though.

Then I offered Him the Sai Centers. There's some saying about being born in the church built on the side of the bridge but not staying in it. Churches, temples, Sai Centers all maybe very cozy but they have been built there on a bridge. No one in their right mind would think they were permanent. You are suppose to move on.

I came back here to the Tampa Bay Center after....many years in India and after one visit realized that it is not MY CENTER. This morning I realized how stupid I've been to think it was at all. I don't know one other devotee, say of 70's or 80's vintage, who ever goes to a Sai Center. THEY'VE MOVED ON, SUSIE I managed to croak out this morning between coughing spells. YOU IDIOT, YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO CHANGE SWAMI'S ENTIRE ORGANIZATION WHEN YOU JUST HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF!

How many times have we heard Him say....'you wear green glasses, everything is green.' I've even seen cartons with the King painting the village green and being told when there was no more green paint...'OH KING, FIND A PAIR OF GREEN GLASSES, IF YOU LIKE THE COLOR SO MUCH.'

GRADUATE DOESN'T PERTAIN TO SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY JUST STUDIED SWAMI'S LESSONS OR HEARD ALL OF HIS DISCOURSES. IT MEANS SOMEONE WHO HAS PUT THEM INTO PRACTICE AND MOVED ON.

SO WHAT'S THE POINT? THE POINT IS THAT I AM 75 AND NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THIS BIRTH FAMILY. NO HUSBAND, NO CHILDREN, NO MEMBERSHP. I WAS JUST A GUEST AT THEIR TABLE. NOR AM I A MEMBER OF THE SAI FAMILY, THE SAI CENTERS. MY CENTER IS INSIDE, DEAR GOD, DON'T I KNOW THAT?

My work is to look into my beautiful clean heart and happily reside there with Swami. I don't have to belong to this family or to this Center, I BELONG TO SWAMI Swami is my center. Swami is myself. I'm still trying to get across this bridge and let me tell you, it is cumbersome to try to drag the entire Sai Organization across the bridge too. Besides it doesn't want to be moved. It is very happy being where it is, doing Swami's work with their Sanskrit bhajans AND DOING SEVA PROJECTS in a detached manner.

Hey I've come to the same conclusion again this morning. The same conclusion we always seem to reach. Swami has put me here, all alone, to do the inside work. Oh God, I just hope I don't forget again tomorrow. Its really embarrassing.