Inside Outside

Bought a camera for my eyes, a printer for space, musical key board for hearing and memory for thinking and it was all WRONG. SWAMI SENT ME HERE TO BE BY MYSELF, YOU KNOW GO WITHIN AND ALL THAT AND WHAT DO I DO? EQUIPE MY OUTTER SELF. DID ANY OF YOU PICK UP ON THAT BIG MISTAKE?

THEN I GOT ALL INVOLVED IN ACTUALLY TRYING TO CHANGE HIS ORGANIZATION HERE WHICH I FOUND TO BE TOO OUTWARD ORIENTED. DIDN'T ANYONE SEE THE JOKE HERE? Obviously I should be doing my own inner work and not trying to change the outer organization which is really just fine for people who may be a little outer oriented now anyway. I am not suppose to be in that worldly state. He ripped me up, dusted off the roots and all but threw me here all alone so I could BE WITH HIM ONLY and what do I do? I try to change HIS PROGRAM, his program IN THE WORLD FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER CHANGE MY DIRECTION FROM OUTER TO INWARD. I do Lalitha's 1000 names every morning in English and one of the names chants about HER beautifully painted toe nails pointing towards the correct path for the devotee. I always make a big deal out of this name and thump my heart indicating the fact that Her precious feet are pointing in this direction. Even this doesn't seem to do the trick. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO LOOK INSIDE. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm meditating haha, but what I end up doing is thinking about thinking about going inside rather than actually doing it.

I tried so hard to focus the point of my blog towards the absolute, the TRUTH, thinking that this was REALLY going inward. I mean it isn't possible to find the TRUTH in the world, is it or is it? Isn't the TRUTH a completely different reality than the one we look at all the time? I suppose I should simply give up and enjoy watching Oprah and Jon Steward but my God, He's gone through so much trouble to put me here all alone in this great flat just so I can find my real self inside and all that. Not only that but I really am scared that I'm losing so many neurons up there around my Sahastrara....Google couldn't even spell that one at all. I've got to find my real self before it's too late. But I have wondered about this. I knew one lady who came to the ashram slipping and sliding pretty fast. She kept looking very scared and screeching...'oh my god, I for got that, I forgot that'.. She has since passed over but I kept quoting the book, 'No Mind, I am the Self' to her although it didn't help. But is it the same? Does anyone know? Could it be that Alzheimer's patients are REALLY FULLY REALIZED? When you totally lose your mind are you living in the TRUTH? Who would know because no one could say. Maybe that sweet old man who straightens piles of newspapers all day sees the papers as planes of consciousness.

Ok so now that I've become less interested in reorganizing the Sai Centers I've remembered another dream from long ago. Sathya Sai Ramayana Theme Parks. Now I'll have to write to Swami about that! You think I'm kidding don't you?