I always knew that Swami would let me know if and when He wanted me to go back to India. Things seem to be turning in that direction now. I'm getting a little restless and things here don't seem to be working out. Old conflicts which seemed to be trivial at first when they surfaced now seem intractable. I never had much self confidence and somehow thought this trip might change that. Unfortunately it has done quite the opposite and my 'small self' has upon occasion felt compelled to say, 'yeah but, what about me!”'. Maybe that is how the self confidence grows and if so then I don't like it anyway, and find it preferable to slink away. Nothing is ever easy, is it?
Just when things here have become less pleasant, calls from India have become more incessant. Several really good friends have shown up on skype and precious people like Saint Joan have called me from India to say 'hi, when are you coming. It seems that everything is exactly the same there in the promised land only a bit more crowded. I have coped with huge crowds before and now there are so many good dramas and choirs and musical renderings going on with the 85th birthday. So returning to the Lord seems like a pretty good plan.
The problem is that I sincerely believed that my 85 year old sister should not live here alone in this huge house especially now that her little doggie has died. No one else sees things this way, only I, do not believe the more convenient truth that she is fine here alone. But I wonder it that is because I would not be Ok here by myself all alone. I would hate it. And so I am now beginning to see the wisdom in their beliefs. Actually in a manner of speaking, she is perfectly Ok here alone or was when she had her little guard dog. She eats the same glog every day which is easy to fix, using the washing machine, doing a little watering in the yard when it doesn't rain and is very busy with the dozens of people from here and all over the country whocall her and love her very much. She also has good watchful neighbors and a lady who lives out back in the cottage, who check on her all the time. Nevertheless, she is alone. She will watch TV alone without anyone to make comradely comments. But she is in constant touch with her eldest daughter in the north who adds that supplement to her life. But I feel so guilty because I would hate to live her matriarchal life. She likes it.
I had to come five months ago because I had to leave the country. My friend Joyce never went home but spent her two months in Sri Lanka. I ran home to my big sister and I hope I've learned one thing at least. He takes care of us where ever we are, with our family. in a third country living in a hostile, in a nursing home lying mute in the bed or in a wonderfully appointed subsidized apartment in downtown St. Pete. Never mind all the Sai Graduate business, if I could only have that kind of real faith....like everyone else seems to, I would be happy. Then this trip would have been worth it.
This is a beautiful house with high cool ceilings, wide wooden floors and glorious high mattresses with springs. The food has been a problem but as a diabetic vegetarian food is always going to be a problem, oh and I'm anemic too so I started eating eggs cause Swami said it was alright. The trees and vines and orange butterflies have been a constant delight and for most of the time I really have been very devoted to my big sister. I have always lived for love. Perhaps too much so even for her who really is proud of her independence. I will stay in heaven with God for six moths and then return here if I am invited. If not I have another niece in California or a chance to explore those hostiles in Sri Lanka. Joyce is very brave though and utterly trusts our Dearest Lord..
You know, I'm not so anxious to return to the promised land as the 'tough tapas' is pretty vivid in my mind. He took care of my painful knees for 30 years so perhaps He will again. So I'm applying for a return visa. Let's see if I get it. It's entirely up to Him and I personally don't care very much. Too bad I wasn't able to make my sister happy but everything is always perfect. I'll keep you posted.
No comments:
Post a Comment