I Stand back to give you room to Grow

As some of you know, I am very often quite critical of the my precious Beloved because He seems to allow me to go through such pain and suffering without seeming to care. One would think, wouldn't one, that when one is suffering much pain, the Beloved should be there to help in any way possible. When we cry out, 'Swami, Swami.' shouldn't there be a soft sweet voice saying, 'Fear not, I am with you'. Isn't that right?

I have found that this is not all together so. I do admit that nice things do happen when we call Him. Things which may brighten the picture, like being assigned to a primary care doctor by the name of, 'Tirupathi' for instance, That name is so auspicious that she doesn't really have to do anything but smile, and things will automatically be a little better, I think. She also looks a little like Goddess Lakshmi as she has the lovely golden color or 'kanada'. I haven't mentioned this, of course, to the doctor. Anyway, you see I know that Swami is the real healer anyway.

So after the negative blog last week I was really pretty negative all the way around.

But then Swami gave me the gift of a lovely children's book to read today. You see, I have found a dozen or so children's classic books upstairs in the book case. First there was , 'Wind in the Willows' a glorious book about a toad who lived a fast life. Then I read, 'The Secret Garden' which was about a little group of children who revived a wonderful mysterious garden just as I was hoping to revive my own life. Next I tried to read a couple of adult books but found them to be terribly dull.

Finally I found, 'The Little Princess' which seemed to contain one of Swami's most important lessons.

Listen to this. Little Sara Crews says: “If you have everything you want and everyone is kind to you, how can you not be good tempered? I don't know how I shall ever find out whether I am really a good child. Perhaps I am a horrid child and I will never know just because I have never had any troubles”, In the book, it was shortly after that her father lost everything in the diamond mines. And here at 1019 I was told by the Queen Mother that if I kept her waiting in the car like that again for ten minutes she would leave and let me walk home. Unlike the child in the book, I said that I had never been spoken to like that in my life and that I would have to leave 1019 as soon as possible.

Later in the children's book Sara says, 'If I were a princess, a real princess (A knower of truth, for instance) I would do good deeds to help people. Doing nice things for people is the same as giving them golden coins like a princess does, But even if I am a PRETEND princess, (a Sai Graduate only) I can think of nice little things to do for people, Things like sharing stories and, (blogs) and sharing the treats and good things which come to me from others. “

This morning I 'heard' Swami say, 'I stand back to give you room to grow'. Or I thought I did. Now I'm not so sure. I guess that was suppose to mean, when I am in my darkest hour Swami doesn't interfere because it is my time to change myself. If He took my hands and led me through a maze of problems I wouldn't know that I was able to negotiate the muddy waters by myself,...I guess, Coppycock! That is duality isn't it? Does that mean that He will step back and let me think that I am the one to learn life's lessons by myself? Does that mean that we are NOT one. How can that be? It's all imagination, all of it. I am I, I am nothing at all. I am Brahma asmi, I am That.

Anyway, I'm sort of in bed with a headache this morning and as I lay there in my gloom and doom I thought some more about my somewhat doubtful message from the Lord.

'I stand back so that you can grow. If it's true that we are one would He just 'stand back' and let me grow if I can?, MAYBE I AM NOT totally CONVINCED OF THE FACT THAT WE ARE ONE AND I REALLY DO SUSPECT THAT IN MY HEART I AM THE DOER AND MUST FIX MY OWN ROTTON SELF. HE STANDS BACK TO ACCOMMADATE MY ROTTON EGO SO THAT I WILL FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHAT I WAS ABLE TO DO ALL BY MYSELF. Forget it, this has been a stupid blog and it's a good thing NO ONE READS IT ANYWAY. I'm taking my self back to bed.