Finding a Cave

The thirty years we spent at the ashram was not without results. Yesterday we had a guest for tea , a very old friend of my sister's, like back in high school. Nor only was she my sister's old friend but she is a very spiritual person having wanted ';only God' all of her life. She used a term I hadn't thought of before, the term 'pneuman' which we looked up in the dictionary right away. It pertains to the Holy Ghost or spirit and she told us of many experiences of her oneness with God throughout her life time. Frankly it made me realize the importance of having a spiritual teacher or 'guru' to help keep you on the right path swimming in the right direction, something that she did not have. Now, after dwelling in that 'oneness of God' all her life she is twisted up in her body and her mind refusing to even toss away piles of garbage and resenting the small cats who inadvertently cross into her yard to do their little business. Their owner climbs up on her roof in other words she's delusional.

I found that disappointing and of course made me wonder about the validity of a life seemingly lived in the presense of God.

Meantime I have made a few steps on my own. Have you heard of 'section 8 housing?' They are housing developments consisting of flats which can be rented for one third of your income. They are all over the county in every state and here the flats are called Petersbora. I called the administration for the building and they will send me an application. They sound too good to be true, If you get older and require some nursing care,a nurse is provided so you can stay out of a nursing home and in your own flat. Now I got this information on the phone and haven't even gotten the application yet bu I will certainly let you all know as it sounds like it might be helpful for Sai Graduates.. I would like to know, for instance, how to get on the various lists in different parts of the country.

Our spiritual friend yesterday said that she couldn't go there because she has such beautiful furniture which I guess can't be moved and a lot of good jewelry I shared my experiences with her in other words, my ego exploded.

'I lived in a small room about the size of the room where we are sitting, for 30 years. On the walls I had about a dozen old prints of Ravi Varmer paintings of Gods and Goddess. In the cupboards I had all my saris including the ones given to me by Lord Sathya Sai Baba to say nothing of a great laser printer and all my CDs and the books I had printed and sold.. I was told to leave my room in paradise and I took two pieces of luggage and locked the door on all of it. It was the end of Susan Caffery.'

My sister said, ' but you have the key and you can go back.'

I said, 'I don't want to go back because its a very hard life sitting praying 6 to 8 hours a day all scrunched up in the mandir. I think it's time to move on. I will apply for 'secion 8 housing' And the small room will be my little cave.'

My sister said, 'If you're not Susan Caffery,' who are you?'

I said, 'I am my higher self with very few attributes.'

There was a pause in the conversation and I felt like a fool for having said all that but.....maybe it's true. Maybe by forcing me out of my ashram cocoon I am now one of those beautiful orange butterflies I like to watch drinking the kisses from the little pink flowers on the vine which clings to the screen in back of my altar, Maybe I was saying the truth even though it sounded false.

Having gone through the birth process and being born into the west after a gestation period of 30 years, maybe it has worked. We'll see, won't we? He's bound to beat, to wriggle that nail until it comes out of the wall. God help me.

All I know is that if and when my big sister decides to pull out of her body, and I find refuge at Petersbora. I don't think I will be afraid because ' my rod and my staff, He'll comfort me and I will dwell in the house of the Lord my little cave,, forever.