Who are the deserving

Having lived at the ashram for so many years, I've met many saints or near saints and seen many crash too, including myself. Not that I was ever even a near saint before I crashed. So I guess this blog came up this morning because I was thinking about one saint in particular, and it's turning out to be about me instead....as usual. Swami, if you want this blog, you're going to have to write it because I'm not doing very well with it. Which is the exact point, He always writes these blogs just as He wrote all the books and songs that bare my name. And even all the stuff I penned which had assumed names. In my heart I believed that I wrote the stuff and that I would get credit for it someday because I deserved the credit.

The thought which kick started this blog was of this one particular near saint losing her halo. I WANT TO SAY THAT THESE WINGS AND THESE HALOS DO COME OFF AT THE END. THEY ARE ATTRIBUTES JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE AND ARE NOT A PART OF THE REAL SELF. I pictured my friend with the halo slipping down, sort of lopsided over one eye. Ha ha, I thought wickedly.

But now, of course, the last laugh turns out to be about myself. Real saints, those who know their own divinity that is, real saints don't parade around with halos and wings. In fact, this might be one of the final hurdles, showing off your halo. Maybe your real shining light is only inside. No, that isn't right, Swami, because a light shines outside as well. Maybe a really dim light wouldn't show outside but I'm missing the point. I wanted to talk about how people, myself included, think they deserve to have recognition, to have the fruits of their good deeds and they don't. We don't because God is the only doer, the first lesson on the spiritual path. Wow, Swami, it took you long enough to get around to that punch line!

So there I was at Prasanthi Nilayam receiving so much grace from the Lord and feeling so totally unworthy. I wanted to PAY BACK the Lord. Incredible, right? I wanted to try to pay Him back so I wrote all those books. Only I didn't write them, HE wrote them. He was giving me even more grace by writing the books so I wouldn't feel so unworthy. So then, I BEGAN TO FEEL THAT I DESERVED RECOGNITION. THE FRUITS, when I really should have just felt MORE AND MORE GRATITUDE For THE LORD FOR GIVING THEM TO ME. I may not be the only one in the world to have these incorrect thoughts. Maybe many sainta and near saints and just ordinary people think they are deserving when they're not. I think this may be one of the last hurdles. In fact, believing that you are deserving of sainthood, or enlightenment, might be incorrect. I'm using 'incorrect' because it isn't really good or bad to think this way. It's simply, 'incorrect'. And what does a real saint think about it? Maybe they know that the Lord is the only doer because otherwise it's an ego trip and ….we all know that realization doesn't include the personal ego. That isn't who we are. You can't take credit for anything. But hang on, who are we anyway? This is where it gets complicated because you...and I are God. Does that mean that actually we are the doers​? Dangerous thoughts which could destroy all our hard work, HIS HARD WORK