Where am I

I'll start by mentioning my experiences of yesterday. Christine and I walked over to 'Save-a-lot' which is a large supermarket with low prices. It's about 8 blocks and I walked it without much trouble.

There was a woman in the check-out line who had 'tats' (tatoos) all over her arms. She was also wearing chains around her wrists and metal rings on many of her fingers. I asked her if she were a 'rocker' even tho I really didn't know what that was and she said 'no'. So then I asked if she were a 'biker' and she said yes. Christine knew her and said that she feeds dozens of feral cats each day and was written up in the papers. Feral cats are wild animals who live outside and have no home. I liked her and there was a little banter between us. After that I sat on a bench in the store. There was a burly kind of a store policeman sitting up on a pedestal behind a desk. I watched as he spoke to a bunch of little black kids who were playing around. He was also black and said he used to be with the Sheriff's department and had also taught school. I said that kids needed role models these days and suggested that he just rent himself out as a role model. Stupid remark. Anyway, afterwards we walked about 4 blocks to the bus line where we got on a city bus to go back to Peterborough. It was my first bus ride and the whole day was great.

This morning after meditation I found myself thinking about my sister. She is spending her time these days weeding the front yard. It seems there is a ground cover plant with little yellow blossoms that has been pushed out by the weeds so she pulls out the weeds which have long roots, to encourage the ground cover. I have always believed that the ordinary things we do in our lives have great spiritual significance if seen correctly and this was a good example. Our joint Pug dog needs no leash now, it seems and just quietly plays around her as she works. Both are as happy as clams which makes me also very happy even tho I'm not there.

Anyway, then I berated myself for not concentrating on my self in my thoughts. I know that Swami has put me here all alone in this flat for that express purpose. Can't seem to direct the focus inside tho. Well my thoughts at 4 in the morning are usually pretty 'right on' and it occurred to me that I have never in my life, been able to think about myself. It's like I don't exist. Of course it's only the ego self that doesn't exist but my real self has always been there. But you know, no one likes to hear that you don't think you have much of an ego because almost everyone else has a ego. People always take care of, 'number one' so why don't I. Maybe I do to some extinct but maybe I've always been more interested in other people and their problems than my own. That's why I was such a good social worker. I think it brings more problems though than it solves. I'm not good at protecting myself and am always looking for someone to take care of me. Hummmm, that sounds like ego to me. Also my small self, my personality is so subject to change. I had a friend say once, “When I come to see you I never know who I'm going to find.” Maybe my lack of ego has something to do with that. So am I enlightened? Maybe I always have been but didn't know it. Maybe we all are.