Busy Day

Yesterday was such a busy day that I could write a book about all that happened. It was like I was having a dozen or so exams or tests about all my trials and tribulations of the last year, or really this last lifetime. I felt as if He were tying off all the little veins and arteries around the heart of this person, this Susan Caffery, in preparation for the removal of her heart and soul.

Yesterday an old beau came to visit from the north. Actually he came to St. Pete to attend a high school reunion and dropped by to see me. We went out to visit 1019, my sister's house, and while we sat in the patio discussing our past courtship, my niece Bethia came down from the north. She'll stay for about a month before returning to her husband who isn't well. She'll probably spend the holidays there with her children before returning again to my sister's house for about four months. That is the usual schedule.

So yesterday was sort of a pivotal point in a way. I knew that the Lord was examining my feelings throughout, or my divine self was examining those feelings, same thing, in order to determine my progress. At least that's what I think happens in order to decide what issues need more work....like jealousy or arrogance or greed for instance. I think I may have done pretty well as I was simply my self throughout the day and didn't change personalities to cater to the occasion. This was an improvement because I tend to change colors like a chameleon depending on who I'm with.

Yesterday was 'Country Classics' as well and I sang three songs. You know, as I was sitting there watching this elderly woman in tight short shorts and ti-shirt dancing up and down the aisles gyrating her hips and skipping in time with the music, I was wondering why on earth I was there at all. These old people who sing these songs are not like any other people I've ever known. I think they maybe the same people who watch fox news and would cut back on Social Security except that they depend on Social Security to live. Also it makes me a nervous wreak to stand up there with a Mic and sing . “Why should I submit myself to this torture” I was thinking.

Then on top of everything else my Vonage phone line collapsed. So there were various tests throughout the day and I think I did pretty well and past all of them. I realized that I wouldn't have been happy with the 'old beau' and where as I would have been comfortable and secure as mother to his two sons, it probably would have been a pretty dull life. I was happier with my significant other.. When my niece arrived it was a warm and affectionate meeting after so much past anger and suffering and that was fine. And then I was able to sing my little songs with a smile on my face to an audience of pretty descent people actually, conquering my fears again, my snobbery and reaching out. I think the secret of my successful day was that I didn't want anything. I have found independence at last in my small flat and really need nobody and have no desires . If people like this person, if they like this costume I'm wearing well that's fine. If they don't, well, that's fine too. As my glorious, real self, I'll be taking off this costume one of these days, hopefully for the last time.