The Still Quiet Lake

After many days of being absolutely alone in my apartment I'm beginning to see His plan for me. At least as it looks this morning. I'll admit that my perception of His plan changes about every 24 hours.

When the lake (You can call it Lake Manosarva, if you like) when the lake is still you can see clear to the bottom and today I think that I can see His plan.

I high tailed to India in 1974 to find Divine myself. And I know that all of the tapas and service I did at the Ashram helped to keep me focused in that direction.....but the water was too muddy. I filled my mind and my heart with India and in a strange way it was like a cancer that devoured me and then metastasized. People said I was more Indian than Indians born there. When Indira Gandhi said, in so many words, 'I will give my life's blood for this country, my India. ' This quote was usually written in conjunction wih a picture of her bloody death. 'Oh Yes,' I thought, 'that is true for me also.. I would happily give India my life's blood.' Well, India didn't want my life's blood in fact India didn't want me at all. Unrequited love.

Where was I. So the Lake in my heart was muddy and cloudy and full of the ripples of love and passion and too much attachment for the promised land. I had simply substituted the entire country for the family I had lost long ago. But the thing I needed most was never realized and that was, of course, my real self. I had come to find myself and found India instead.

Fast forward to Peterborough in St. Petersburg. I suddenly had no place to go when I was expelled from India. So Swami wanted me to go to my sister's house for six months to do some emotional house cleaning. Actually I HAD SPENT MY LIFE LOOKING FOR MY SISTER, MY PRETTY YOUNG SISTER WHO MOTHERED ME AS A SMALL CHILD. Finally Swami put me right in her face and it didn't work out. I was much to out spoken to live in her delicate, fairy tale world of stories past and present. Even though I had become so much more loving and courageous, I was not able to don the old costume of the 'baby sister' even if such a submission would perhaps have given me my beloved sister's love. I was even willing to eat her 'glog, dreadful, bitter turnip greens, fava beans and rice, if it would please her. Trouble was I confessed that I had to eat it while closing my nose and needless to say, she was much annoyed.

Anyway, as you know, I left to live on my own here at Peterborough for really the first time in my life, live with very little money, no telephone and no car, in a completely strange environment known in some circles in St. Pete as, the 'poor house'. That couldn't be further from the truth, by the way. I wasn't entirely sure why Swami was putting me here now but it was very obviously His plan.

This morning I can see all the way through to the bottom of Lake Manasarvar. After days of this solitude I can see that there are gold nuggets at the bottom. Once again I have come to a place in the road which will I hope allow me to find my real self.

I will not return to stressful India as I haven't yet healed from that bloody extraction. I also feel today that I will not go to the Sai Center to join their seva projects. Nor will I start a newsletter here at Peterborough even though everyone seemed to think it was a good plan. Now I will not work for 'everyone' for the first time in my life. I will concentrate on myself. be self absorbed and work for the realization of the true Self.. I will also not return to my sister's house. This is MY place now and I will pretend that it is a cave in the Himalayas and try to go deep within if my Lord Sathya Sai Baba will give me the grace. Frankly, I wonder if I have long to stay in this body anyway and so, it is time to reach the goal....become who I really am now at last.

I had a funny little sort of dream this morning during meditation. I saw about 6 or 8 small pictures of the light in a torch, all the same. I thought Swami was remnding me of one of His stories., A man complained to his guru about his small torch not being adequate to show his way home through the forest. The guru pointed out that each step was lighted by the small torch and slowly he could advance through the forest in the dim light of the small torch.

I think Swami was telling me that where as I do not have a blinding light now to advance through the forest of worldly existence, my own light is sufficient if I proceed slowly. So you see, here I am in my lovely cave in this ivory tower on the 15^th floor and I know that Swami will show me, one step at a time, how to reach the goal.