Finally I am here in my own little flat in Peterborough. I love it and it is so perfect that only Swami could have arranged it. Even my sister believes that. I've told you about it before so we don't need to go into the square footage and all. T he rooms are spacious and the view from the 15th floor spectacular.
I moved in with very little furniture but the residents are so nice. They have provided a wonderful table with four chairs for my TV and computer, a recliner for watching TV without my hip being too painful, a toaster oven and a microwave, for free, a wonderful white metal shelf for my alter for five dollars and a fake butcher block table on rollers for the side of my bed and three lamps. My sister brought over a floor lamp to use by my bed, another roll table, a coffee table and so much other stuff. I started out with nothing but two suitcases full of clothes. Mother Lakshmi has been benevolent. After all this is Dasara, isn't it? My favorite festival and the first Dasara I've been away from Swami's ashram for 30 years. I wonder if anyone has garlanded Lakshmi and Saraswati in the round house garden.
Naturally I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's always the same topic, namely why did the Lord send me away. Unfortunately I think I've found the culprit to be my lack of faith. Do I really believe in God?
The last few years at Prashanthi found me worried much of the time. My health has
been bad for years. Now I find that I besides diabetics, arthritis in my knees, and this chronic sinus infection, I have Bronchitis and I am quite anemic so I pretty much dragged myself back and forth to Darsan exhausted and somewhat depressed. Now since returning, the arthritis has gotten much worse in the hip, making it difficult to stand or walk. I'm sure youall find all this fascinating!
Anyway, I began to worry because I am 75. I worried about a stroke happening in India. I saw myself in an Indian nursing home staring at the ceiling. mute and alone. I worried about Alzheimers. Who would care for me. I was so afraid that I even spoke to a lady doctor who sits in second arch. She said she would take care of me. It was a complete lack of faith in Swami's love and power and I think I'm paying for it now. I think that I'm silly to even think about liberation when I have so little faith in God to begin with.
So here I am on my own again. I'm praying that the peace and contentment I had at Prasanthi can be found here also. All day I talk to Swami and no one else and that bliss is beginning to soothe my mind. Swami says bliss is our natural state and that it has nothing to do with happiness or sorrow or the senses for that matter.
Happiness. I have realized lately that India didn't make me happy. The Ashram, heavenly as it was, didn't bring me happiness. No, it was only Swami who brought me happiness and it doesn't make any difference where we are, with His grace, we will be blissful happy if it is His will
This is the first blog I've attempted in weeks. I had a cup of coffee this morning too and I think that helps. I hope so.
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