Saturday, October 30, 2010
Swami' Words
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Still Quiet Lake
After many days of being absolutely alone in my apartment I'm beginning to see His plan for me. At least as it looks this morning. I'll admit that my perception of His plan changes about every 24 hours.
When the lake (You can call it Lake Manosarva, if you like) when the lake is still you can see clear to the bottom and today I think that I can see His plan.
I high tailed to India in 1974 to find Divine myself. And I know that all of the tapas and service I did at the Ashram helped to keep me focused in that direction.....but the water was too muddy. I filled my mind and my heart with India and in a strange way it was like a cancer that devoured me and then metastasized. People said I was more Indian than Indians born there. When Indira Gandhi said, in so many words, 'I will give my life's blood for this country, my India. ' This quote was usually written in conjunction wih a picture of her bloody death. 'Oh Yes,' I thought, 'that is true for me also.. I would happily give India my life's blood.' Well, India didn't want my life's blood in fact India didn't want me at all. Unrequited love.
Where was I. So the Lake in my heart was muddy and cloudy and full of the ripples of love and passion and too much attachment for the promised land. I had simply substituted the entire country for the family I had lost long ago. But the thing I needed most was never realized and that was, of course, my real self. I had come to find myself and found India instead.
Fast forward to Peterborough in St. Petersburg. I suddenly had no place to go when I was expelled from India. So Swami wanted me to go to my sister's house for six months to do some emotional house cleaning. Actually I HAD SPENT MY LIFE LOOKING FOR MY SISTER, MY PRETTY YOUNG SISTER WHO MOTHERED ME AS A SMALL CHILD. Finally Swami put me right in her face and it didn't work out. I was much to out spoken to live in her delicate, fairy tale world of stories past and present. Even though I had become so much more loving and courageous, I was not able to don the old costume of the 'baby sister' even if such a submission would perhaps have given me my beloved sister's love. I was even willing to eat her 'glog, dreadful, bitter turnip greens, fava beans and rice, if it would please her. Trouble was I confessed that I had to eat it while closing my nose and needless to say, she was much annoyed.
Anyway, as you know, I left to live on my own here at Peterborough for really the first time in my life, live with very little money, no telephone and no car, in a completely strange environment known in some circles in St. Pete as, the 'poor house'. That couldn't be further from the truth, by the way. I wasn't entirely sure why Swami was putting me here now but it was very obviously His plan.
This morning I can see all the way through to the bottom of Lake Manasarvar. After days of this solitude I can see that there are gold nuggets at the bottom. Once again I have come to a place in the road which will I hope allow me to find my real self.
I will not return to stressful India as I haven't yet healed from that bloody extraction. I also feel today that I will not go to the Sai Center to join their seva projects. Nor will I start a newsletter here at Peterborough even though everyone seemed to think it was a good plan. Now I will not work for 'everyone' for the first time in my life. I will concentrate on myself. be self absorbed and work for the realization of the true Self.. I will also not return to my sister's house. This is MY place now and I will pretend that it is a cave in the Himalayas and try to go deep within if my Lord Sathya Sai Baba will give me the grace. Frankly, I wonder if I have long to stay in this body anyway and so, it is time to reach the goal....become who I really am now at last.
I had a funny little sort of dream this morning during meditation. I saw about 6 or 8 small pictures of the light in a torch, all the same. I thought Swami was remnding me of one of His stories., A man complained to his guru about his small torch not being adequate to show his way home through the forest. The guru pointed out that each step was lighted by the small torch and slowly he could advance through the forest in the dim light of the small torch.
I think Swami was telling me that where as I do not have a blinding light now to advance through the forest of worldly existence, my own light is sufficient if I proceed slowly. So you see, here I am in my lovely cave in this ivory tower on the 15th floor and I know that Swami will show me, one step at a time, how to reach the goal.
I guess its a blog
I've been staring at the sky so there's a huge white cast over the keys now from my eyes and I can hardly see to type. There are lots and lots of scattered thin clouds in the sky this morning and it's easy to see Swami's face in them everywhere....but that's duality isn't it?
I realized after breakfast that, as usual I wasn't thinking about the Lord, so I tried to imagine His form sitting next to me. This is never satisfying to say the least. Then I tried to see Him in the clouds which pushed Him even further away and hurt my eyes.
Duality! Swami and I are one, right? But how to picture that. Should I think about His attributes? Hey wait a minute, if we are one or I should say,BECAUSE we are one, I could think about my own attributes. I don't want to do that because I want to think about Swami now. He tells us to think of Him every moment and than we will become Him. (I really should have thought this through before turning on the computer.)
This is easier said than done because I can't even think about Him at all this morning. Is there a way to picture the Lord inside us? Shall we wad up His entire form and try to stuff it into our hearts? He says not to do that. He says that we are inside Him rather than the opposite.
I'm not doing so well this morning. Maybe this isn't really a blog at all and I should just delet it. I don't have to do a blog every day! Still maybe these thoughts are worth pursuing. I have a feeling it isn't going to reach any tidy little conclusion, though.
We are IN Him. So He is this new spiffy apartment of mine which I love and which gives me such bliss to even walk from one room to another. Ah He is that bliss. So I guess I have to move away from His form again. He has told us a million times that He is not that 5 ft. 2 form in the orange dress but gosh that form is so precious to us. So much more beautiful than the scene out my 15th story window overlooking the lake or this spiffy apartment.
But somehow I thought just maybe I could get past duality once and for all and KNOW that He and I are one. I just don't know how to do that. Maybe it is a transcendental state, maybe you have to meditate to reach that state, not just lounge on the couch. Yes but meditation is supposed to be a constant state, we should always be in meditation. Oh come off it, who are you kidding. Even when I am trying to meditate I'm not really meditating. Swami says in meditation the mind stops and there are no more thoughts so I guess I haven't really meditated very much, certainly not this morning when I kept falling asleep.
I wish some of you could help me with this. Its pretty easy to log on to this blog and express yourself. I knew this blog would end up this way because I don't have an answer or a conclusion....but at least I've spend almost an hour thinking about the Lord and causing you to think about the Lord too. Or to think about....thinking about the Lord because we haven't really been thinking about the Lord at all, have we? Maybe I should have just deleted this.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Atmic Arch Ladies
Well, what about those ladies who always sit in first or second arch? His side long glances are able to turn a pig's ear into a silk purse, aren't they, even at one glance? They are laser beams which sear off and pulverize our hardest karma, the barnacles on the bottoms of our little boats which we hope will take us across the seas of samsara. Wow, talk about mixing metaphors! Do you think those laser beam glances are really so powerful as that? Swami has said that His name is so powerful that chanting it once will bring liberation. I think He said that. And His glances are so much more powerful than chanting His name, aren't they? Its impossible to judge these things, of course and I hope you know that I've got my tongue pressed firmly in my cheek.
But let's get back to those ladies sitting there in the front rows, all the time. And what about those ladies sitting on the pedestal, the first arch ladies. They can certainly be included. And the 'step ladies'? Ah yes don't exclude them. They demand that the second arch ladies move over so they can have room for their feet. They get to see the Lord over the heads of the second arch and yet they have to have 'feet room reservations' as well. Two special seats for them when many ladies can't even get into the Hall. It really did annoy me that they would demand room for their feet. Special seating for their bottoms and there feet, for heaven's sake.
Theere has always been some spirit of competition among the ladies. Did I tell you the story of 'the arches'? You see many years ago when I was a mire 60 ...or maybe 50, there really were arches. These were cement arches with pretty pictures on the front, giving shade to the ladies and a nice raised place off the sand. The picture for the first arch ladies closer to the gate was of a couple of lions. and the second arch had a picture of rabbits. Ladies whose husbands were allowed to sit on the veranda sat in the arches with the lions and the ladies whose husband had good positions on the staff were allowed to sit with the rabbits.
Anyway now you may be relieved to know the derivation of those phrases.
The point of this blog is to try to evaluate the effect of Swami's laser beam crystal star galactic glances, which are more powerful than anything in the cosmos. But anyway, do we know just how all these fortunate ladies have evaded the commitment of liberation. Why in the hell aren't we all liberated? We certainly had many of these glorious glances. I posed this question to a dear friend the other day and she said....maybe you are. And she really knows me too, knows me better than to make a dumb remark like that. I wouldn't be so outspoken if I were self realized. I wouldn't have had to leave India because I would have flown to Delhi and fought for righteousness. And I would be thinking of Him every second of the day and night instead of on the hour. Lots of things would be different. I wouldn't feel guilty either that I'm not enlightened after He gave me so much grace for so long but seems to have given up now.
This blog is supposedly about the power of His sublime laser glances and I'm afraid that I'm a living example of Sai Failure. Please forgive me, Swami, I'll never forgive myself.