Cock roaches

Well, I'm limping back to normal. I've been sitting at the bottom of
the pole for about two weeks this time, curled up on the floor. This
depression is like the dark matter of the universe and I feel as if I
fall into these black holes. It's terrible but I think it's in my DNA
because my grandfather use to write about his 'meloncholia' . I have
no idea how to spell that ...mellon...colia...anyway he use to write
about it. My father also got depressed but he'd had a heart attack
and had to 'sit out' the second world war so that's why he was
depressed. I was exiled from heaven which was very depressing to say
the least. But some people never get depressed. They get mad; that
was my Aries Mama. Daddy and I were Librans, always trying to figure
out where we went wrong.
Anyway this time the doctor, or nurse Practitioner, prescribed an
anti=depression pill and it seems to be working. For the first few
days it was like my brain was wrapped in cotton but slowly, slowly I'm
feeling normal again today. I have a feeling I won't climb as high on
the pole this time either which means I won't fall as far. But that
black hole is always there waiting to suck me down. It really does
'suck' as they say.
My meditation has gone from bad to worst. For awhile after I moved
into my little cave here, the meditation was pretty good; better than
it's ever been. I took that as a gift from Swami because of all the
suffering I was enduring. But as my life picked up and I started
doing stuff like acting and singing at the Senior Center, the
meditations were shorter and more difficult. I suppose that was just
because I had more things to think about, to interfere with the 'blank
mind'. Then when these depressions started the meditation became
hopeless. Everything is a gift from Him and so I waited for Him to
quiet the mind again.
When I was given the anti-depressant pills I was a little worried
because I thought they would 'un-focus' my mind but the opposite has
happened. Well, maybe my mind has not been 'focused' by these pills
but they have helped to create more of a witness to my own mind. I
have been watching it struggle to keep the thoughts out and this
morning I had a great idea.
See, we have cock roaches in the building. I've lived in India and
in my sister's house and here and a few other places in Florida long
ago and there have always been cock roaches. Of course it might be
because I'm not a terrific house keeper but I prefer to believe it's
because this is the tropics and everyone has cock roaches.
Controlling them is a constant fight. One has a few cans of Raid
handy to flit the little things when ever they crawl out. I say, 'God
bless you' and then 'zap' them dead...hoping they will go on to a
better life. So, this morning I pictured the tall bright yellow can
of Raid and whenever a thought would appear on the clear sky of my
mind I zapped it...and then zapped the picture of the yellow can. It
really seems to work. Swami use to say, keep those thoughts outside
the door of your mind and don't let them in. Well I can't keep them
out, they are too subtle and appear before you know it but...like lots
of tiny cock roaches, I zap them dead and then zap the zapper, the
can. Anyway, it really worked this morning and I had about the best
meditation I've ever had. I zapped that thought too!