Being Needy

Turned this computer on at five am and forgot to turn off the sound so...I'm sure my neighbors are irritated right now. But then everyone else seems to be irritated also and I've slid down the pole and I'm sitting on the ground.

My descent began yesterday when my elder sister (my only living relative) declined my offer to move back into her house for three months when her daughter leaves in April. At that time my sister is in that big old house alone...except for my little Puggles to keep her company. Betty's asthma has been worse lately and she said that she was having a hard time taking care of herself so I made the offer even though the last time I was there for even three days, I missed my own little apartment. She replied that we are much to different to ever live together and we really don't get along that well. I was thinking that we were getting along just fine and it was a blow to my heart.

She was my surrogate mother if you'll remember, and why should you. Why should I as a matter of fact, I'll be 78 this year for God's sake. And it is for God's sake other wise what would I be doing sitting on the floor...all alone. Yes, all alone. I still only have one friend...Christine who cleans for me and I can't pay her enough to take me places on the weekend because she has a significant other and weekends are for him. I remember when I had a significant other who of cancer before I ran over to be taken care of by Swami. He got me sent back to the USA almost one year to the day before He left His body. He wouldn't let me leave mine although I came kind of close with the TB and double pneumonia. So I've been slogging it out here sliding up and down the pole...a pole dancer. You know, of course that I'm referring to my being bi-polar though it isn't a medical diagnosis.

It seems that I have covered all of this many times before but I've been awake since 2 o'clock and in some pain. I think, however, I have an answer to why Swami tortures me by making me suffer alone on three hours sleep...except for Him, of course.

This could be my last life if I play my cards right. NO ATTACHMENTS, because attachments might cause me to want to come back and do it again. I have this TV program which I love...Sing Off....great music. Intelligent judges; I love it. After I leave this body, will I remember that great music as well as the Opera on PBS...and want to come back; take rebirth to hear it? Or, more to the point, will I want to come back to be with my elder sister? I wonder if this isn't one reason why Swami doesn't allow me to have a family or friends. When I was in India it was a piece of cake. I really didn't like the food or the music too much or the language so if I had died I wouldn't even have thought about taking rebirth. But now there's pasta and wonderful music and my view of Mirror lake out my window and my elderly sister. Will I be able to merge with our Swami if all these things are tugging at my senses? I hope so and in the mean time I'm reasonably happy here in my empty little apartment without a soul to call my own...except the Lord. Also, you know. I've become the singing sensation of the Senior Center across the street where I do my gigs, singing alone with a Mic for the first time in my life. Show business is a lonely life anyway, ask any Star, ask my peer, Susan Boyle.