My Little Dog

My Programmer read my blog yesterday before posting it and said that I should get rid of the dog. He said that attachments were a very bad thing at this stage of the game and that I should simply eliminate this attachment to Puggle. There should be no obstacle between my Self and the final goal post at this point, not after all I've been through to get here. Swami took away everything on this last journey to St. Petersburg and having a dog, an attachment, could destroy all gains. I agreed with him but said....Swami made me do it....the usual lame excuse. My Programmer said this would be a good blog.

But to tell you the truth, I couldn't 'get rid of my precious Puggle' if my life depended on it. I really didn't have a reason to live when He brought Puggle in except to think I might find out who I really am. Fat chance. I have drifted from 'absolute despair' to being just 'a bit sad' during the last year after leaving 'the promised land' and then Swami's passing away, two major traumas. I don't think that it is possible to find your Real Self in the aftermath of total destruction. I was trying to find a descriptive word for this last thought and all I kept seeing was the aftermath of those demon cyclones that leveled Joplin Missouri and that place in Alabama.

The real Self is joy and bliss and beauty and love, right? Our inner core is simply Swami who is all that. So when you're surrounded by loneliness and sorrow it's hard to pick up the pieces and 'carry on'. It wasn't possible and so..right...Swami sent in Puggle. You've heard the song, 'send in the clowns' well Puggle is my clown. She follows me around this tiny apartment moving from a position at my feet when I'm at the computer to when I'm watching TV. And her favorite position is my lap or next to me in the chair. She must have been a very lonely little dog before she came here because she watches me all the time with her huge bug eyes. And she really wants to touch me with her paw or with her little curly tail or some part of her, all the time. She lays down next to me when I'm praying or even sleeping. You might think this would be annoying but...it's love and it's Swami. She's also funny. I call her my circus dog because she leaps from chair to chair and jumps on to tables. I guess she must have had a very deprived life before she came because the man who brought her said she was only three and had had seven litters of pups, baby Pugs. I guess she was pretty much caged all the time.

Anyway, Swami gave me someone to love. Someone to ...(my vocabulary is zilch this morning). What I mean is, I can do for her a lot more than I would do for myself. SHE HAS GIVEN ME MY HEALTH BACK TOO. I RACE TO AND FROM THE ELEVATOR AND PUSH HER STROLLER OUT FOR HER WALKS ANDTO PEE, THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. I inadvertently (thank god for spell check) leave the apt' and walk when I would just hibernate usually. But do I need her? Well He took away almost my very life when He took me away from my India so I have really no expectations anymore. I can go back to subsistence living, Swami, no problem but the spark of fun and joy Puggle gives me lights up my life. I'm attached but ...I want her to be in my life but I don't need her. I need Myself. I am still looking deep inside for my Glorious Self, my God Self, my Swami. Maybe Puggle senses it.