To Be One or Two

Yesterday morning I began thinking about maybe meeting someone. Decided it would be insane. Yes, I seem to be reaching out don't I, and blogging along again. Then this morning I decided I just might get well and could 'get a life'. Mama was 99 when she said, 'all right, I'm ready' and went. That would give me another 20 or so years. Could I live here alone in this reclusive apartment for 20 years? How could I....unless of course I were either 'with' someone or 'enlightened' Enlightened would be better.

I really thought about it. The person would have to be a Sai Devotee and love me. I would also love them but then that's never hard for me. I thought about cooking vegetarian together, laughing together, maybe traveling back and forth to India together, opening our hearts together, etc. and suddenly as I thought deeply about it I realized that even now I had to move my Swami back a little to let this pretend person in. Maybe I could not move Swami back at all but just put the pretend person in back of Swami. I know that I'm not like that though, even pretend people always come first.

So how close should the Lord be now anyway? He is always the same, at the same distance. '0' If we remained one, then no problem. If He is just....right in my face and I reach for Him that's Ok but if He's a little further away...although He is always the same, it feels awful. Can you see that? Pretty subtle. So if I included a 'significant other' in the picture, where is Swami? I belong to Swami but could I belong to someone else too? “I'm being silly” I thought. How many partners, husbands and wives with good strong marriages, love Swami with all their hearts? Isn't love a magic substance which just multiplies more and more when given away. We certainly read about that property of 'love' all the time don't we. In fact almost everyone I know is married. But He is my Beloved. We 'beloveds' seem to be different.

Then my 'Swami thoughts' started. “Don't worry about it. You're planning again and I thought you weren't going to do that. If you are going to be 'loved' by someone, you have to love yourself. Why don't you work on this part and let me handle everything else.

Yes that's it, I'll fall in love with myself for a change and then I'll suddenly realize that... Swami and I ...Ok I know this line of reasoning hasn't worked with me in the past. Is it because I haven't loved myself ENOUGH. I doubt that! We've all met people who loved them Selves enough for a dozen people. Egomaniacs, no danger of that here. Ah but which self am I referring to anyway? You can't love your real Self too much.

But here I am off the subject. I've left behind the new topic of 'significant others' to dwell again on the topic of Self orAtma. Oh well, it was such a bore anyway besides just being imaginary. There isn't anything except Atma anyway and this 'other' is totally imagination. So who brought this subject up anyway? I'm going back to bed, it isn't even 6 am!