Going but not coming

Haven't been blogging lately as everything is in state of flux but what else is new. Of course we all know that actually we, our divine self or is it selves, is not changing at all ever.. You know, it's only 6 am and these ideas are beyond words at any time even after a cup of tea.

When I first started doing the blog I was a coffee person and that first large coffee, kick started the blog and the rest of the activities for the day. But my blood sugar is so weird that I began to realize that the coffee was making me feel irritable. Couldn't let that happen so I started drinking only tea, green tea.

This is great for the body but not great to write on. The blogs have been grinding down to a halt. But let's face it, the coffee or lack of it, is not the only problem. The real problem has been that....I don't think I will be going back to the ashram for a long time,, if ever. My connection with ashram life, ashram people, ashram issues like going and coming, has become less insistent. For one thing, there's my health. As some of you may recall, I moved inside my sister's house and back to my old childhood room upstairs. Climbing those steps four and five times a day has made me use muscles and stretch bones which now complain and voice even outrage.

At Prasanthi I lived on 'D' floor which necessitated a great deal of daily coming and going. Thing was, the steps were not very high and I could soldier on, taking only a few breaths between floors. These steps here in Florida are quite high amd my hips have complained to the extent that I've had to use a cane and take ibuprofen. The ibuprofen makes the mind more dull than usual and that stops the blogs. The hip also may close the door on India for me: the hip plus the incessant cough and the newly diagnosed bronchitis. Doctor said the stuff in my lungs could still be pneumonia or even cancer but we agreed that bronchitis is the best diagnosis as it is treatable with pills and inhalers. My sister did her pendulum and it preferred the bronchitis to cancer or pneumonia also. I don't know why we bothered with the cat scans and x-ays in the first place with the pendulum so readily available in my sister's desk top draw.,

So it feels as if another network of ropes has dropped over me preventing my return to India. I remember a picture of Gulliver being trapped by a similar net in a children's book long ago, preventing him from traveling.

But its really more complicated than that. Prasanthi Nilayam, my true home has become a dream place in my mind, almost a place of fantasy and I have become too real or too unreal here to fit in to that real or unreal world there in heaven. I don't know if I could change this form now, to become, become less what, less ego centered maybe. At Prasanthi everything is less well defined, less brazen. Swami has given me more of a personality since I've been back. I'm speaking up more. I wanted more self confidence but I wanted more confidence in the real self not the self who is republican or democrat, tolerant or racist. We watch a lot of TV and now with the election coming up my sister and I spend time shouting at the dumb political ads. “Don't people know that Bush got us into this sorry state in the first place?” Anyway it's getting light and I need my tea.