In hopes that this blog might offer some support to those on this same ‘coming and going’ journey, I will continue on my saga.
I was actually feeling pretty happy. I was thanking Swami for such a lovely apartment. I was feeling that He had placed me in another paradise of sorts. My room at Prasanthi is certainly a paradise and now this well decorated beautiful apartment is also. I sit and work on one bed and all my stuff is laid out on the other. My computer is in reach and the bathroom and kitchen, very nice also. My sister gives me lunch and we share huge bowls of rice, beans, cheese and veggies which tastes very delicious. Swami, through my sister, had made me so very happy.
But deep inside I heard or felt a small voice saying, “Do you think I brought you over here to give you more happiness and security? No, no, what purpose would that serve. You are here to continue learning and it would not be good for you if I abandoned you to comfort and security. What would be the point of the trip?”
At that point in time, just as I filled my large bowl with my sister’s wonderful soup, she said, “My youngest son, his wife and three children are coming in June.”
“Oh good,”I enthused.
“Do you remember that he doesn’t like you very much?”
“What? Why? I haven’t seen him or given him a thought, in 20 years. What did I do to him?”
“When you were here last you suggested among other things that our mother sell this house and give you 10,000 dollars to go back to India.”
“I did? Oh my God! I don’t remember.”
“You did. You were terrible really terrible.”
“I was? But, you see, that couldn’t happen again because now I am a Sai Graduate.”
Silence
“Yes, I am. I have been studying His teachings and listening to His discourses for 30 years all together. I have had some transformation. I am a Sai Graduate”
And a new label was born for all of us
“I tried to smile as I ran out the back door to the apartment.
During the next week or so I was told by my sister that her son did not want to see me when he came for his vacation
I felt very humiliated and not at all like a Sai Graduate. I told my sister that I didn’t understand. And she tried to explain.
“He has arranged this trip, his vacation, to be here and he doesn’t want it to be ruined.”
I was mortified that just the sight of me would ruin his vacation.
Well for the first time since I started this journey I began repeating, ‘Sai Om, Sai Om’ and looking deeply into His picture for help. Just as our Dearest Swami predicted, the pain made me feel closer to Him.
“I will try to find another place,” I said. “Maybe I could fly to Californis and stay with that niece out there. I have sort of an open invitation.”
“He is reconsidering his first impression of your being here. He says now that he will be civil.”
“Oh great,” I said in relief. “I can just make a little small talk, you know, ask his kids how they like school.”
“No, no” she shouted. “These are my son’s children and none of your business.”
I felt the kitchen floor give way. This was an indication of the kind of treatment I had received as a child from Mama. I was worthless in the eyes of my family. I had always been somewhat childlike, had nearly failed all my subjects in school so that it took 10 years to finally graduate college and I never married so I didn’t have children. My older sister and brother both had genius IQ’s, my other sister looked like a movie star and had 6 kids and I….had nothing which could be considered worthwhile. Of course I had been a social worker with abused children for 15 years but….so what.
So much for living in paradise. I was no graduate of Sai’s teachings. But I somehow hung in there to face another day.
SONG OF GOD
Don’t put yourself down
Cause, you know what
I’ve found?
Well, when
You’re not nice to you
It’s always the same
If you cause yourself pain
You give others a little of it too
So, love the Lord in you
Then, I think that its true
At lease, this is my advice
Love Sri Sathya Sai
For He’s the Lord inside
Then you’ll find to everyone
You’re nice.
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