Ego is a tricky little so and so, isn't it. Have youall found that it
sneaks in behind your back and suddenly there it is in all it's glory?
I'm talking about my recent experience with 'it', which was only
yesterday.
I can really fool myself, or shall I continue to call it 'it'. I
thought I had discovered an 'aha' thing. Swami talks through me,
Swami walks through me, Swami creates through me, there is no 'me'
only Swami so I don't have anything to worry about. Swami is perfect
so...So I had this idea that a few of my musical friends could work
together and put together a Cd of Kararoki songs for Sai
devotees...all over this country...to use in nursing homes...with a
small booklet of the words. I had assigned a few people to this
project and told them how to start. Can you believe it? Ok well, I
knew that my highest position on my bi=poler had kicked in but I
hadn't connected the dots. The dots leading me to the real
culprit...EGO. So on one side of my brain I was reveling in the
discovery of my 'surrender to Swami'. I was nothing, I thought. The
me, the little insignificant wooden puppet...could be thrown in the
trash. Everything that the puppet was, really was only Swami. So,
feeling all warm and satisfied with my puppet self but with a heavy
hand I created, Swing with Sai. I felt so good about the project that
I was not aware of the elephant ego in the room expanding for all it
was worth.
When I told this new 'aha' to my friend Fran, she said. “OH yes,
Susan and the wonderful thing about this puppet is that EVERY ONE IS
HIS PUPPET AND HE IS WORKING, TALKING, SINGING AND CREATING THROUGHT
EVERYONE in the WORLD. I paused and the warm feeling of being
'special' dimmed just a bit. Yes, of course I murmured before going
back to the idea that He was using me as such a great instrument.
It wasn't until this morning that the ugly picture came into my
mind's eye in meditation.. By then the ugly elephant in the room ego
Was plainly visible. OMG, Swami, it's tricked me again, I thought and
ran to the computer to blog it, thinking it might have relevance for
many of us poor souls who live alone and have no one to bounce things
off of. That's one reason for this blog. Also I use it as my
psychiatrist my friend, my companion, sounding board and...Swami.
Fortunately Akash and the others, are old friends and have been
through many a huge imaginary project, with me before. They don't
even bother to answer my frantic e-mails as they know that I do get
over these things. Sorry guys, thanks for 'hanging in'. Oh and let me
apologize to precious Divya who actually listens to me and even
follows my suggestions sometimes. Yesterday I asked her to take some
material from my website, Sai Wonderland.net and make a UTUBE...which
is always my ultimate ego trip. Fortunately the idea was pretty good
as Swami's Village Integrated Project is one of His very best projects
and besides it has nothing at all to do with me, and is worthy of any
kind of publicity.
I am slightly amused by your ponderings.....being a puppet and then feeling
ReplyDeletelike a special puppet, which you attribute to 'ego'.....hmm
interesting....well you are right in feeling the bliss of being a
puppet......and I liked what you originally told me....I did not know that
when I told you that we all are His puppets that it dimmed your revelation!
Sorry about this....however on the flip side it is ok to feel special as all
God's puppets, children are special in His eyes.....after all He did make
all us of and love us all as an individual and as a whole....
I do not think that the ego hit you too much.....maybe just a little in my
opinion......we have to have self confidence and belief in
ourselves.....that helps us to be happy and feel loved by God..if we view
ourselves as puppets or instruments.....we can be worthwhile at this.....I
did not denote any ego from you when we spoke....we are simply like flowers
opening up with His love more and more.....revealing the inner beauty as we
allow the One, Divine to come forth and be His instrument or puppet as you
write. Instrument is a bit gentler in my opinion....
Just keep giving God the glory and you will be ok, dear instrument of His! J
Being His instruments makes life have more meaning and I think it is a good
thing….with keeping the ego in check and not allowing us to get the
glory….keep praising God and thanking Him for all the good in our little
lives and there will be fewer and fewer traces of this ‘ego’ you speak
about. I know it can climb out from behind a rock and hit us…it does it to
me all the time…it is sort of humorous to see it at play….and I did
experience it yesterday too….afterward I said to myself, now try to
surrender it and see God and accept what is…and it disappeared like the
clouds before the brilliant Sun!
If you wish to talk, please call….I am only teaching a little bit this
afternoon and should be available.
With love,
Fran