It seems to me that there is a possibility that the Ego Schmego I spoke of a few days ago is truly the Real Self. This is going to sound very strange to most but I have spent very little time in my life thinking about myself. I've been trying to figure out why and I think it may be a family trait.
We're southern ladies and southerners are pretty modest and humble except when it comes to their children. They can brag about their children sort of like Indians do.
Indian women spend most of their time boasting about their kids, mostly sons but they would never sing their own praises. True of southern ladies too. Southern ladies don't sing their own praises nor do they talk much about themselves period. But what I didn't know was that they PROBABLY THINK about themselves as much as anyone else does.
At least as much. But see, I never had babies to brag about nor a husband because it IS polite to brag about your husband, if you happen to have one you can brag about. All I ever had was Swami and if I had bragged about Him, it would have been like proselytizing in a way which is really in bad taste. So I didn't brag and believe it or not, I never bragged inside about myself either. I never told myself I was any good.
I was a social worker but always put myself done for that. I sang but always had sort of a 'tremble' in my voice which wasn't so good. I went to India to live a life of strict disciple but never considered that worthwhile ,where as it really was in some ways. I never gave myself credit for anything. The books I wrote weren't copy-rited so I couldn't really consider them worthwhile. When I want to cheer myself up I have to actually say aloud....”You gave 15,000 of your books to Swami's book store so that is at least something, Susie.” I pretty much always call myself, 'Susie'
So recently I inadvertently stumbled over this 'ego schmego ' deep within my Psyche who seemed too boisterous to me. So I immediately put it down and started calling 'it' names. Then a little later I felt more kindly towards 'it' before I realized it's perhaps importance.
It may, in fact be my real self. So I've started looking at it more closely. It doesn't seem harmful actually and I'm perfectly willing to let everyone else have a 'since of self' too. This, however, is mine, my own since of self.
I may not have been the best social worker in the world but I tried my best and I did love my clients a lot. My books weren't copy-rited because I didn't need to, they were only done for Swami. I didn't have any babies because I wasn't interested. Maybe some part of me was waiting for Swami....that same part that loved the clients and never bragged very much.
This may sound like it's very elemental to youall. We go through all this at about the age of 6 but I may have a little 'arrested development' Now for the first time in my life I'm completely alone week after week thinking all about myself. So I'm sort of catching up. I think I found an ego and maybe a feeling of 'real self' and the two way be the same.
I asked Swami if these new feelings may just be the upper part of my 'bi-polar issue' and will it just slide away as I slide down the pole. He intimated that I should just wait and see. It's been about three days and my 'ups' don't usually last this long. Seems like a mundane way to reach liberation though!!!
We're southern ladies and southerners are pretty modest and humble except when it comes to their children. They can brag about their children sort of like Indians do.
Indian women spend most of their time boasting about their kids, mostly sons but they would never sing their own praises. True of southern ladies too. Southern ladies don't sing their own praises nor do they talk much about themselves period. But what I didn't know was that they PROBABLY THINK about themselves as much as anyone else does.
At least as much. But see, I never had babies to brag about nor a husband because it IS polite to brag about your husband, if you happen to have one you can brag about. All I ever had was Swami and if I had bragged about Him, it would have been like proselytizing in a way which is really in bad taste. So I didn't brag and believe it or not, I never bragged inside about myself either. I never told myself I was any good.
I was a social worker but always put myself done for that. I sang but always had sort of a 'tremble' in my voice which wasn't so good. I went to India to live a life of strict disciple but never considered that worthwhile ,where as it really was in some ways. I never gave myself credit for anything. The books I wrote weren't copy-rited so I couldn't really consider them worthwhile. When I want to cheer myself up I have to actually say aloud....”You gave 15,000 of your books to Swami's book store so that is at least something, Susie.” I pretty much always call myself, 'Susie'
So recently I inadvertently stumbled over this 'ego schmego ' deep within my Psyche who seemed too boisterous to me. So I immediately put it down and started calling 'it' names. Then a little later I felt more kindly towards 'it' before I realized it's perhaps importance.
It may, in fact be my real self. So I've started looking at it more closely. It doesn't seem harmful actually and I'm perfectly willing to let everyone else have a 'since of self' too. This, however, is mine, my own since of self.
I may not have been the best social worker in the world but I tried my best and I did love my clients a lot. My books weren't copy-rited because I didn't need to, they were only done for Swami. I didn't have any babies because I wasn't interested. Maybe some part of me was waiting for Swami....that same part that loved the clients and never bragged very much.
This may sound like it's very elemental to youall. We go through all this at about the age of 6 but I may have a little 'arrested development' Now for the first time in my life I'm completely alone week after week thinking all about myself. So I'm sort of catching up. I think I found an ego and maybe a feeling of 'real self' and the two way be the same.
I asked Swami if these new feelings may just be the upper part of my 'bi-polar issue' and will it just slide away as I slide down the pole. He intimated that I should just wait and see. It's been about three days and my 'ups' don't usually last this long. Seems like a mundane way to reach liberation though!!!
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