On Leave 10
Unselfish Atma
Swami has said that we are selfish if we sit in the Hall day after day basking in His divine darsan. He said it and I believed Him and look where I am. Maybe He didn’t mean it. But anyway, how can we realize our ‘true selves’ if we are self-centered? One of the divine names of Devi is that she takes everything into herself and that she destroys self centeredness. I have had thousands of His glances which are transformative. I meant to write, ‘hundreds’ but ‘thousands’ came out. Can you believe that? Whose writing this blog anyway?
If we are anything less then a ‘Sai Graduate’ we are insulting our beloved Lord. Do we need more of His Divine Darsan to become realized. Can we possibly become realized anyway? Interesting questions. Do we need His form to understand that we are one with Him? In fact, perhaps His form is a hindrance to that knowledge.
OK who are we in relation to who He is? Come on, how can we be His form? He’s male, I’m female, He has bushy black hair, I have stringy grey hair, I have a ridiculous face and He has, such a beautiful face. My nose is flat, His is strong and noble and courageous. Another of Devi’s names is that Her face is the home of cupid. They are the same. At Darsan time tens of thousands of eyes search for His face to become embedded in His sweetness….like cupid. That is simply a fact. Whether festivals or no, there are thousands of eyes desperately searching for that face, the embodiment of love, to rest for even a second like a lovely butterfly on His rosy cheeks, ruby lips, His broad all-inclusive forehead or His peerless courageous chin( that reminds me of the Saieshwaraya Shiva lingam.)
But there I go with the form again and He seems to be pulling me genially away from His form….and my own. Do these poetic thoughts bring me closer to knowing who I am?
I am certainly not His form but dwelling in the Home of cupid every day at Darsan is so very blissful and bliss is our natural state isn’t it? Bliss is His form, He says so. I don’t seem to be getting very far with this blog at 4:30 am but you know what I figured. We are 11 hours different from Prasanthi. Actually we are also in many other ways different too but never mind. At 4:30 am here it is 3:30 pm there and time to line up for Darsan. I pray and chant until 7 or 8 every day and youall are sitting in the Hall at least until 6 ot 7 or 8 or 9. We are doing essentially the same devotional work 10.000 miles apart every day. Neat, huh?
Back to the blog. How important is His Darsan to our spiritual development? I always felt I needed His Darsan and He says if we need Him, we deserve Him. I suppose the answer is that each of us is different. Same Atma, of course but I think the rule is, if you can see it or even feel it, it isn’t the Truth.. Ah! The Truth.
Hundreds of thousands of devotees will brave the immense crowds this year, sleeping in sheds, on the ground and standing in endless queues. They will stand in queues to eat, to go to the toilet, to get into the Hall and even just to get into the ashram. Hundreds of thousands will be benefited by this tough tapas. Their own divine selves will dispense the grace resulting from their own sacrifice
But here I sit on my super comfortable spring mattress. (A friend of mine inadvertently sat down on my core mattress at Prasanthi and dubbd it the most uncomfortable mattress she had ever incountered.) I’m seriously wondering when I will return and doubting my attendance for the birthday at all. Everyone has gone over from the USA to participate but me. All of His ‘true devotees are going by plane, train, boat or even walking to the Ashram to pay their respect to the most powerful being on the planet for His 85th birthday….except me. They will certainly earn His grace and I what will earn? We used to say that at Christmas time good children got sweets and gifts but bad children were given coal (I don’t know why coal;) and switches. So will I get ‘switches? Am I getting switches right now when I can’t get a visa to return to the mother land?
He said not to come now when I asked Him in my way that is usually right. It’s the very very best thing for me to stay here and write boring blogs and watch Oprah. I’m supposedly writing these blogs to help devotees who are in the same boat but am I? This convoluted thinking, these thoughts which go round and round and round could drive people to be as mad as I am, couldn’t they? Good thing no one is reading these blogs. Oh Swami please help me.
On Leave 11
Adopted Atma
My sister has six kids but didn’t stop there. She must have at least another fifty people she calls her adopted children. Her selfless love seems almost unlimited and so through the years god has sent her many poor souls who needed a mother to love them, like me.
Yesterday I sat in her room and listened while she promised to help two older guys with their manuscripts and a third fellow who happens to be our nephew. She managed to get the first guy to ask his son, a Harvard grad to get involved. The second she simply read the manuscript and made a few suggestions and the third fellow, she tried unsuccessfully to get a little help for….from me. That was my nephew who has had problems since birth. When his mother died twenty years back, he looked into my sister’s face and said, ‘now I don’t have anyone.’ You know I could tell you about the other fifty or so but the purpose of this blog is to inspire Sai Graduates.
Ten minutes through the phone conversation to my nephew I made a big sign or gesture indicating that I didn’t want to talk to him. My sister simply without a word turned her back and continued her love counselling. ‘Now honey, I think you’re ding real well, I really do. How long has it been since you had an accident. Well, that’s great and you don’t drink either. Ah huh!’
I was tired and my energy was way down. I’d just been to see the crumby doctor who wouldn’t see me and was feeling let down. I was on the couch but I could have gotten up, in fact that wasn’t even necessary as we have….as she has, a cordless phone. ‘No’ I mouthed, ‘too tired’
My sister, of course soldiered on though she is 85 and has asthma.
Then today she got another call from someone name Jimmy. This is a 35 year old who was married to betty’s son’s wife at one time. This woman, who had killed her baby has been to prison and was completely deserted by every member of her own family. She is the really mentally ill and they are all alcoholics. All though the conversation I heard…’.now, listen Jimmy, stop drinking and go to bed. You can come over tomorrow and we’ll talk, OK?’ She was on the phone for at least a half an hour murmuring her soothing motherly songs.
Anyway my point is that I didn’t come up for air to help my nephew, Some Sai Graduate I am. I guess since I gave myself that reward only I can take it back, right?
In India we ladies with ‘special seating’ speak to so many other devotees. I must say 100 ‘sai rams’ a day as I go back and forth to Darsan. At the ashram its easy to give and receive so much love from everyone. We sit there and watch the Lord giving, giving, giving every day. It’s like He is giving constantly to the students and the teachers as well as the groups who come from all over the world. But I couldn’t get off the cough to say hello to my nephew after spending 30 years watching the embodiment of love, loving.
So how am I a Sai Graduate? Aren’t we suppose to become more and more like Him every day? I think that calls for having a loving kindly nature, don’t you? In fact what does Swami say about being God. He says that love is God, doesn’t He? When you feel love in your heart for someone isn’t that really Swami inside of you? When we talk about being ‘like Swami’ isn’t that what we mean?
Well but it happened in the afternoon when I’m not at my best. My 85 year old sister and the 85 year old Avatar may not be at their best in the afternoon either but ….their love seems to go on and on.
I want you to know that I am very disappointed with this Sai Graduate. How quickly we Sai Graduates forget our oath to be more and more like Swami. Maybe it was much easier to be loving and kind over there in India. It didn’t take much to say, ‘Sai Ram,’ and smile at all those smiling ladies. Here in the west you have to kind of squeeze out the love like in an old tube of tooth paste. You might have to even straighten out the tube at first so it will come out. Yes, it’s a bit more trouble but….He is sitting right there watching so you’d better do your duty. Yes it is your duty to love. God loves without any duty just because that’s who He is. But He expects a lot from us after 30 years of imbibing His power and grace. If we fail Him it really looks bad. My sister didn’t say a word but she doesn’t usually until sometime when you’re telling her how loving you are after becoming a Sai Graduate she might remind me of how I was too tired to even say, ‘hello’ to my nephew. She hasn’t used the term, ‘Sai Graduate’ yet because I guess I haven’t passed the acid test yet, she hasn’t used the term yet because I haven’t proved to her that I have graduated.
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