Don't Cry for Me, Puttaparthi.

One never knows what to expect when a major holiday comes around especially during the Avatar’s 85 birthday year. This celebration went from Saturday night the 24th to Monday night 26th.

It was an incredible few days that many will remember for a long time.

There also 2 big television sets allowing many people in Kulwant Hall to see what they normally wouldn’t be able to see. One set at the South end of the women’s side with the others near the wall on the East side where the white line meets the wall. These television sets were a test for birthday

All rooms were taken. There were long lines at the canteens. The weather was cloudy with rain at times.

Also, stepping outside the ashram was hazardous to your health. It was a mess. One side of the road had been paved from the last arch to Sai Towers. The entire paved area was divided into block sizes to hold water on top of the cement. Each block was surrounded by dirt.

Meanwhile, traffic was not able to move in front of the ashram. The rain made getting through this area hazardous as one might fall from the water mixing with sand, gravel or other items.

People were good. They helped each other. Inside the ashram everyone was under the careful eye of security, police and seva dals.

And here in Florida it has been pretty cool because its been raining every day. Gentle little rains which make all the green things so happy. You know, years ago I wrote a series of coloring books based on the teachings of 'Mr. Gardener' who was, of course our precious Swami. In those books there was a little vine with heart shaped leaves and the lovely little pink flowers of love. In the stories, Mr. Gardener always planted this vine when the negative forces seem to be taking over the garden.

That little vine has been growing all over our home here at 1019 lately and I didn't know it really existed!. It really does seem to be growing out of His pure love , even up to the windows on the second floor. Actually the real one is far prettier than my version as the pink flowers are on little sprays which move in the breeze. It is really beautiful here and I'm hoping to go to the beach soon.

There is another place I want to see again called, 'sacred lands' I'm sure I mentioned it earlier. It is very lush and beautiful with peacocks and squirrels as large as pussy cats. The best part is that it is on the bay. The other day I actually walked all the way down Jungle avenue to Park Street, a distance of about a mile. Then I sat on a bench and did a mantran before comeing back. I wasn't even too tired.

I would like to go to the Sai Center but it really isn't in St. Pete and I can't expect my sister to take me again. But really, I worship my Beloved inside my heart now and really don't need all the outer stuff.

I haven't really 'blogged' since my old computer got fried. St. Pete is called 'the sunshine city' but it has another name too. It is the 'lightning capital' All that wonderful lightning from the Divine Mother' and yet I didn't have a surge protector. Had one in Puttaparthi but it was too heavy to bring. So my machine got fried. they said at 'Best Buy' Fortunately the hard drive was still usable so I spent my entire pension on a new, small purple laptop. I don't know why I do these things. Got it home and couldn't find google. I panic if I can't find google so I decided I should buy a used computer and take the 'fashion accessory' back to Best Buy.

So I looked in the yellow pages and found a shop which sells used computers. When I called him there was just something about his voice. My sister. Bless her heart, took me. His name is Cerk Smith and he is most cour-teous but that's not all. I left my old fried machine so he could transfer the hard drive.

When we went back to get the new used one, he asked me about a children's book I had written about Kashmier. Come to find out, he is a student of Kashmier Shaivism!! He studied with Swami Muktananda and His disciple, Gurumayi. Isn't that amazing? Such a lovely person. Anything spiritual makes me so happy now days, where as in India, I took all of that for granted. Maybe one reason I had to leave.

Guru Poornima - Puttaparthi

Sai Ram,

One never knows what to expect when a major holiday comes around especially during the Avatar’s 85 birthday year. This celebration went from Saturday night the 24^th to Monday night 26^th.

It was an incredible few days that many will remember for a long time.

There also 2 big television sets allowing many people in Kulwant Hall to see what they normally wouldn’t be able to see. One set at the South end of the women’s side with the others near the wall on the East side where the white line meets the wall. These television sets were a test for birthday

All rooms were taken. There were long lines at the canteens. The weather was cloudy with rain at times.

Also, stepping outside the ashram was hazardous to your health. It was a mess. One side of the road had been paved from the last arch to Sai Towers. The entire paved area was divided into block sizes to hold water on top of the cement. Each block was surrounded by dirt.

Meanwhile, traffic was not able to move in front of the ashram. The rain made getting through this area hazardous as one might fall from the water mixing with sand, gravel or other items.

People were good. They helped each other. Inside the ashram everyone was under the careful eye of security, police and seva dals.

On Saturday, 24^th, morning there was no physical darshan.

In the afternoon Baba went to the Super Speciality Hospital to visit 3 elderly devotees who were patients. He reassured them, gave them vihbuti, told the doctors what to do and said “no surgery”. He spoke to the patients in their own language.

Baba returned to his residence at 4:55. About 10 minutes later he came into the hall.

This was the evening of the drama by Sai Youth and Bal Vikas children from Tamil Nadu. As he passed the backdrop, Baba looked at the performers.

He arrived on the verandah at 5:17 and went into the room. At 5:26 Baba was at verandah center.

At 5:32 the one hour drama “Sai Yugam – Prema Yugam” started. It was filled with wonderful singing and excellent dancing as well as chanting. The story was about how Sathya Sai will bring about the restoration of dharma completely, how it has been planned for and how it will happen.

Baba’s actions on a macro scale were continuing from the micro scale actions done in previous ages. Also, he would not use conventional weapons to destroy evil but would transform mankind with divine Love.

It was very well done. The combination of singing, dancing and dialogue came together to glorify Sai Baba and his mission.

At 6:35, Baba went to the white tile for photos where he spoke with many people and materialized an emerald ring for Narada.

At 6:43 Baba returned to verandah center. Arathi was at 6:45.

Sunday, 25^th, was Guru Poornima. In the morning the hall was filled with everyone expecting Baba but he did not make a physical appearance.

In the afternoon, we were let into the hall around 2:00. Everyone was seated early. It was crowded. People were placed in the center driveway and in the Poornachandra.

The decoration had been changed from the day before. We now had orange buntings, red streamers and flower balls hanging from the ceiling. There was an arch of flowers over the entrance from the residence and over the center driveway. Various windows in the mandir and next to it were covered over with Baba’s pictures.

When Baba came at 4:24, he was wearing his maroon robe and was in his white chair. Two bands which were located in the driveway played as Baba gave darshan. Songs of praise was sung.

Some student showed Baba another model. As Baba came to where the primary and secondary students were sitting, they chanted louder. Baba interacted with them and went down the aisle opposite the women’s ramp.

When Baba reached the verandah at 4:50 he continued to go straight until he turned left to come to the front. Along the way Baba spoke with several people and cut a large cake made by the Italians. He arrived at verandah center at 4:50 where Baba sat more on the women’s side.

There was a special music program. The Malladi Brothers and company sat on the verandah facing Baba. A variety of devotional Carnatic classical music at its best. They continued for over 90 minutes. Everyone enjoyed them. Baba seemed to be elsewhere. It was said that Baba was moved to tears by the devotion accompanying the music. Heart and head in perfect harmony.

The more they played the more they seem to become better.

At 6:28 they stopped and went to Baba. As he was speaking with them, it was arathi time. All of them remained surrounding Baba. Their wives and children were allowed to come to Baba. An unbelievable evening.

When Baba left the Hall, he gave darshan to those who were in the Poornachandra before going to his residence.

On Monday, 26^th, to everyone’s surprise, Baba gave darshan and had the Malladi Brothers play to another 75 minutes. What has already been said can be repeated.

Last night when Baba was speaking with them, he asked if they could play again. Of course they said yes.

Baba came at 8:15 by car, cut through the women’s section to the verandah. He went into the interview room until about 9:00.

The verandah was ready for the Malladi Brothers. Baba was too. He gave them dhothis, saris, shawls and other presents.

As the Malladi Brothers played, more people wanted to come into the hall but there was limited space. Baba requested that the gates at the end of the center driveway be opened. Men and women came in and sat in the driveway.

Baba enjoyed their music immensely. Arathi was at 10:25

The afternoon had some light rain but inside the hall, the sun was shining bright.

The big screens were gone but the decorations were still there. We wondered what could possible happen now. We have had such great programs over the past two weeks. Will this be a quiet evening with the avatar?

Not known to us was that he had planned an even greater event for us than anything that had occurred already.

Baba came into the hall at 4:49, he spoke with several women on his right as he entered the hall and some women on his left that were in the front row. He took letters. Baba reached the verandah at 5:03 and went into his room. At 5:15 he was at

verandah center sitting on the women’s side facing the men’s side.

The reason was because there would be a performance by Shiva Prasad, from Guntur, who is known for his whistling which is often mistaken for a flute or wind instrument. He and his group performed for an hour which included some bhajans.

Their music was uplifting. With the singing of “Krishna Jai” we were elevated even higher. It was great being there. The invisible were also happy as they sang along and danced.

It was a moment of a lifetime. Very Special. The universe was happy. It spread to the darker corners. People were clapping. The vibration had changed. There were more bhajans after this one. It was incredible how they did it. The evening was spiritually fulfilling.

At 6:24, Baba gave Shiva Prasad a golden chain. Everyone was overjoyed. He gave them dhotis and packets of vihbuti. They spoke for a bit.

At 6:30 to our amazement and joy, they were playing again.

I call it “Other Frequency Music”. An unbelievable melody of tunes. Thank you Baba.

The music was not from this world.

At 6:35 there even another tune. How will I ever be able to walk again? I felt my charkas opening and being cleansed.

At 6:43 a tribute to Baba. Arathi was at 6:44.

If you ever get a chance to hear a recording or see a video about these performances, grab the opportunity.

Attached are photos from Guru Poornima.

There was no change outside with the road situation.

Later this week, about 1500 people from United Kingdom will be here.

Computer crashed !!

My computer has crashed and so no more blogs for some time to come :( ...Sai love, Susan Caffery

#10, #11 and #12 'On Leave'

On Leave 10

Unselfish Atma

Swami has said that we are selfish if we sit in the Hall day after day basking in His divine darsan. He said it and I believed Him and look where I am. Maybe He didn’t mean it. But anyway, how can we realize our ‘true selves’ if we are self-centered? One of the divine names of Devi is that she takes everything into herself and that she destroys self centeredness. I have had thousands of His glances which are transformative. I meant to write, ‘hundreds’ but ‘thousands’ came out. Can you believe that? Whose writing this blog anyway?

If we are anything less then a ‘Sai Graduate’ we are insulting our beloved Lord. Do we need more of His Divine Darsan to become realized. Can we possibly become realized anyway? Interesting questions. Do we need His form to understand that we are one with Him? In fact, perhaps His form is a hindrance to that knowledge.

OK who are we in relation to who He is? Come on, how can we be His form? He’s male, I’m female, He has bushy black hair, I have stringy grey hair, I have a ridiculous face and He has, such a beautiful face. My nose is flat, His is strong and noble and courageous. Another of Devi’s names is that Her face is the home of cupid. They are the same. At Darsan time tens of thousands of eyes search for His face to become embedded in His sweetness….like cupid. That is simply a fact. Whether festivals or no, there are thousands of eyes desperately searching for that face, the embodiment of love, to rest for even a second like a lovely butterfly on His rosy cheeks, ruby lips, His broad all-inclusive forehead or His peerless courageous chin( that reminds me of the Saieshwaraya Shiva lingam.)

But there I go with the form again and He seems to be pulling me genially away from His form….and my own. Do these poetic thoughts bring me closer to knowing who I am?

I am certainly not His form but dwelling in the Home of cupid every day at Darsan is so very blissful and bliss is our natural state isn’t it? Bliss is His form, He says so. I don’t seem to be getting very far with this blog at 4:30 am but you know what I figured. We are 11 hours different from Prasanthi. Actually we are also in many other ways different too but never mind. At 4:30 am here it is 3:30 pm there and time to line up for Darsan. I pray and chant until 7 or 8 every day and youall are sitting in the Hall at least until 6 ot 7 or 8 or 9. We are doing essentially the same devotional work 10.000 miles apart every day. Neat, huh?

Back to the blog. How important is His Darsan to our spiritual development? I always felt I needed His Darsan and He says if we need Him, we deserve Him. I suppose the answer is that each of us is different. Same Atma, of course but I think the rule is, if you can see it or even feel it, it isn’t the Truth.. Ah! The Truth.

Hundreds of thousands of devotees will brave the immense crowds this year, sleeping in sheds, on the ground and standing in endless queues. They will stand in queues to eat, to go to the toilet, to get into the Hall and even just to get into the ashram. Hundreds of thousands will be benefited by this tough tapas. Their own divine selves will dispense the grace resulting from their own sacrifice

But here I sit on my super comfortable spring mattress. (A friend of mine inadvertently sat down on my core mattress at Prasanthi and dubbd it the most uncomfortable mattress she had ever incountered.) I’m seriously wondering when I will return and doubting my attendance for the birthday at all. Everyone has gone over from the USA to participate but me. All of His ‘true devotees are going by plane, train, boat or even walking to the Ashram to pay their respect to the most powerful being on the planet for His 85th birthday….except me. They will certainly earn His grace and I what will earn? We used to say that at Christmas time good children got sweets and gifts but bad children were given coal (I don’t know why coal;) and switches. So will I get ‘switches? Am I getting switches right now when I can’t get a visa to return to the mother land?

He said not to come now when I asked Him in my way that is usually right. It’s the very very best thing for me to stay here and write boring blogs and watch Oprah. I’m supposedly writing these blogs to help devotees who are in the same boat but am I? This convoluted thinking, these thoughts which go round and round and round could drive people to be as mad as I am, couldn’t they? Good thing no one is reading these blogs. Oh Swami please help me.

On Leave 11

Adopted Atma

My sister has six kids but didn’t stop there. She must have at least another fifty people she calls her adopted children. Her selfless love seems almost unlimited and so through the years god has sent her many poor souls who needed a mother to love them, like me.

Yesterday I sat in her room and listened while she promised to help two older guys with their manuscripts and a third fellow who happens to be our nephew. She managed to get the first guy to ask his son, a Harvard grad to get involved. The second she simply read the manuscript and made a few suggestions and the third fellow, she tried unsuccessfully to get a little help for….from me. That was my nephew who has had problems since birth. When his mother died twenty years back, he looked into my sister’s face and said, ‘now I don’t have anyone.’ You know I could tell you about the other fifty or so but the purpose of this blog is to inspire Sai Graduates.

Ten minutes through the phone conversation to my nephew I made a big sign or gesture indicating that I didn’t want to talk to him. My sister simply without a word turned her back and continued her love counselling. ‘Now honey, I think you’re ding real well, I really do. How long has it been since you had an accident. Well, that’s great and you don’t drink either. Ah huh!’

I was tired and my energy was way down. I’d just been to see the crumby doctor who wouldn’t see me and was feeling let down. I was on the couch but I could have gotten up, in fact that wasn’t even necessary as we have….as she has, a cordless phone. ‘No’ I mouthed, ‘too tired’

My sister, of course soldiered on though she is 85 and has asthma.

Then today she got another call from someone name Jimmy. This is a 35 year old who was married to betty’s son’s wife at one time. This woman, who had killed her baby has been to prison and was completely deserted by every member of her own family. She is the really mentally ill and they are all alcoholics. All though the conversation I heard…’.now, listen Jimmy, stop drinking and go to bed. You can come over tomorrow and we’ll talk, OK?’ She was on the phone for at least a half an hour murmuring her soothing motherly songs.

Anyway my point is that I didn’t come up for air to help my nephew, Some Sai Graduate I am. I guess since I gave myself that reward only I can take it back, right?

In India we ladies with ‘special seating’ speak to so many other devotees. I must say 100 ‘sai rams’ a day as I go back and forth to Darsan. At the ashram its easy to give and receive so much love from everyone. We sit there and watch the Lord giving, giving, giving every day. It’s like He is giving constantly to the students and the teachers as well as the groups who come from all over the world. But I couldn’t get off the cough to say hello to my nephew after spending 30 years watching the embodiment of love, loving.

So how am I a Sai Graduate? Aren’t we suppose to become more and more like Him every day? I think that calls for having a loving kindly nature, don’t you? In fact what does Swami say about being God. He says that love is God, doesn’t He? When you feel love in your heart for someone isn’t that really Swami inside of you? When we talk about being ‘like Swami’ isn’t that what we mean?

Well but it happened in the afternoon when I’m not at my best. My 85 year old sister and the 85 year old Avatar may not be at their best in the afternoon either but ….their love seems to go on and on.

I want you to know that I am very disappointed with this Sai Graduate. How quickly we Sai Graduates forget our oath to be more and more like Swami. Maybe it was much easier to be loving and kind over there in India. It didn’t take much to say, ‘Sai Ram,’ and smile at all those smiling ladies. Here in the west you have to kind of squeeze out the love like in an old tube of tooth paste. You might have to even straighten out the tube at first so it will come out. Yes, it’s a bit more trouble but….He is sitting right there watching so you’d better do your duty. Yes it is your duty to love. God loves without any duty just because that’s who He is. But He expects a lot from us after 30 years of imbibing His power and grace. If we fail Him it really looks bad. My sister didn’t say a word but she doesn’t usually until sometime when you’re telling her how loving you are after becoming a Sai Graduate she might remind me of how I was too tired to even say, ‘hello’ to my nephew. She hasn’t used the term, ‘Sai Graduate’ yet because I guess I haven’t passed the acid test yet, she hasn’t used the term yet because I haven’t proved to her that I have graduated.

#7, #8 and #9 'On Leave'

#7 On Leave Atmic Folk Fair

His hands and feet are everywhere and His leelas are continuous. This is the story of a really huge leela. It’s a super leela.

In 1974 I went to see Swami from St. Petersburg Florida for the first time. Then I returned to Los Angeles to continue working as a social worker. In 1975 my sweet sister came out to California to arrange for the wedding of her youngest daughter. While there we all went to the annual Renaissance Fair held in Thousand Oaks. I don’t know if they are still doing those fairs as I haven’t been in California for a while but I went to a couple of them and loved every minute. There was Elizabethan music of course and madrigal dancing and wonderful Celtic food and of course Shakespeare and arts and crafts. My sister Betty fell under the spell of the Faire and was determined to replicate it in some way back in St. Petersburg. Within a year she had started the St. Petersburg Folk Fair….popularly known as SPIFFS for the Bi-centennial of 1976. These were busy years for both of us as I returned to India to have an interview with the Lord in 1977. I became an ardent devotee of Sri Sathya Sai Baba who has always advocated unity in diversity and the Spirit of Brotherhood. My sister founded the extremely popular faire here in Florida. It presents the various cultures of from 25 to 50 separate international groups which live in the area and are based on the philosophical concepts of Brotherhood and unity in diversity.

After I returned for summer school, I lived in India almost continuously from 1978 until 2010 when this terrible visa problem fell from the sky, sending me away from Mother India. When she wasn’t writing for the newspaper, my sister spent all of her time, mothering, guiding and nourishing the Folk Fair until now actually.

The territory for the Renaissance Fair in Thousand Oaks goes on forever and probably no one could actually see the entire thing. The Folk Faire is perhaps a couple of miles in diameter and consists of little villages and huts from cultures all around the world plus many stages for the entertainment and many a kitchen for the various ethnic foods to be prepared and sold. It is every bit as rich and entertaining as the California Faire besides having such an important message for us today. Obviously it was done by our Swami through my sister who probably doesn’t buy this idea at all. The Folk Faire is not essentially spiritual although we hope that this year there will be church choirs and temple chanting as a fitting part of every culture. Always before they had studiously avoided any mention of religion or politics. We think that this year if every group has an opportunity to share different religions and their spiritual wealth with us, it will speak of tolerance and understanding and brotherhood.

When I returned from India this trip, a fragil and disheartened 75 year old woman I found my 85 year old sister to be equally frail and disheartened because of uncomfortable family matters. Her grandchildren wanted to take the family home, ostensibly because she needed care. She doesn’t and, in fact takes my arm sometimes when I get wobbly. We are two old ladies and we match up pretty well now after some growing pains. Betty has lived an extremely active life here in St Pete with her pet projects such as being on the Library Board, and the wonderful SPIFFS which is like her own child. A couple weeks ago she resigned from the Library Board and was about to do the same with her other child, SPIFFS. I immediately recognised the Lord’s leela and felt that He wanted her to continue because it is such a worthy project. I feel that it might always need her inspiration and mothering, as we seem to!

My Episcopal sister, Betty has a unique relationship with Swami. She thinks He is a fine individual and knows that He has been my good teacher all these years. We don’t discuss His divinity even though He carries her safely in the palm of His hand every moment of the day and night just as He does me. He never would have let those cheeky grandchildren grab this house even though she never asked for His protection.

I finally persuaded her to renew her relationship with SPIFFS as she was really sort of tired of all the stress so we went to a Board meeting. Now we’ve started to think and discuss ways to help the program this year. It seems that the main difficulty is money because of the economic down turn. Even the schools aren’t being given money for Social Studies. The elementary school kids study science, math and reading period. I wish I could write a Grant to the federal government so we could get money for all the groups but I never had to do anything like that at the ashram. I wrote notes to Swami when I really wanted something. He was and is a lot closer than Washington.

#8 Atmic Health Care

For 30 years I enjoyed the free health care available to one and all in Swami’s Hospitals. A while back it couldn’t have easier to use. You could just sort of wander down the street or walk behind South Prasanthi one, grumbling because of the somewhat steep climb. At the gate the pleasant seva volunteer would open it for you and once inside the ever smiling lady doctors would cheerfully ask for the little lined book which we kept our own medical information. God help you though if you had forgotten your little book. Once I remember a dressing dowm from a somewhat younger doctor when I had to go to the hospital as a n emergency….without the treasured book.

It became more and more difficult to use the services of the smaller ‘General Hospital’ as the numbers of patients increased. This was a pretty good free, community hospital used by people of all races, castes and religions as shown by the number of long black barques and face scarvs,

It became harder and harder to see the smiling sweet lady doctors as they became older and more frazeled. Then they enlarged the facility and put in an out patient building and several laboratories. I remembered when we ladies would go over and scrub the floors of the entire hospital in an afternoon.

These days you had to go very early and line up in the back field in order to see the medical clerk who would take your little book and assign you to a regular doctor inside the hospital. Then you would be checked by a seva dal who would tell you where to wait for your doctor. It was not at all easy as I for one never went all the way up that steep hill in the first place unless I was practically dying. Most of the smiling lady doctors have retired. But the health care at the end of the ordeal was worth it as the doctors were intent on doing seva for Swami and it was easy to feel His presence every where.

Fortunately I sat in a group of wonderful ladies several of whom were very good doctors as well. They were not the regular doctors . One was retired and another worked on Swami’s hospital bus which went into the villages every day around the ahram. I was glad not to have to stand for long periods in the open field behind the out patient department.

‘My blood sugar has been high lately, Dr. Parvathi.’

‘How high?’

‘200’

‘Are you eating ice cream or any sugar?’

‘No Doctor, I never do.’

‘Are you excering?’

‘Not enough I guess.’

‘Well excersice alittle more and see if it comes down.’

Oh how sweet were those exchanges and how I miss everyone.

If I took Prasad after the Bhajan I always got lots of looks from all the ladies.

‘Why are you taking Prasad?

‘No Aunty I’m taking this to the seva dal on duty.’

Everyone would giggle.They were the kindest most self controlled people I ever met and they have propelled India to the top of the underdeveloped countries, not the soft wear engineers. The comradery was always so full of love and tenderness. I never viited them at home nor did they visit me but the love, the spiritual love from these Indian ladies was always extraordinary.

Those were the days of….Atmic health. Now I’ll write about our health care here in the USA but I think I’ll make that a separate blog.

#9 Health Care in USA

My general health isn’t so good and I wobble when I walk almost falling down sometimes. Don’t know why. There were times at the ashram when I had to use my wheel chair. On the trip over here from India I asked for a wheel chair and it was wonderful. They met me at every stop and made sure I was in the correct place to wait. All you have to do is to ask for a chair and its there. Something for you to remember but it helps to be 75 and to wobble. I have found that the general population of the world is getting older and people are being kinder to the elderly.

When I arrived in Florida I expected it to continue, this new kindness to the elderly and the oppressed. Wrong. Maybe because everyone is elderly here and it’s no big deal.

Because I have a pension of just over 500 a month and I’m 75. I applied for Medicaid and got it. ‘ Ask for food stamps,’ I was told and there’s even money because of your low income. I really wanted a complete medical check up and so I thought I would go to my sister’s doctor. My last complete check up was at Manipal in Bangalore and cost about 3350 rupees. I was looking forward to seeing my sister’s doctor because she really likes him.

I went in with her for her appointment and was told I would have to wait for two months for an appointment. At the time I was thinking that I would see a good doctor, get some good antibiotic for my eternal virus infection and get back to India for Guru Pornima. But not if I had to wait two months to see him.

After about one month of waiting I hit my forehead on the door to the freezer and really whapped it good. It was a Heavily stressful period and I so ignored it The dark red color bothered me as it looked like squamous cancer. Doctor at the Sai Center said that cancer doesn’t act that way so I forgot about it even though it was throbbing. It was the size of maybe a quarter and dark red and alittle to the right of my third eye, bless its heart. Maybe it was part of the ride Swami was giving me to take me home. Besides it does look like a bindi which I had stopped wearing when I left India.

Meanwhile my cough was getting worse and worse and so was my sister’s although she swears its an allergy. I pray a lot because she has very bad asthma.

Finally my sister drove me to the doctor for the appointed day. I would undertand all about my health issues, at last!

I sort of wobbled into the office, the spotlessly clean beautiful office.

‘Could I see your insurance card.’

‘Yes, I smiled, ‘here it is,’

‘ ‘We no longer take ‘staywell’ insurance.’

‘But I’ve been waiting for two months with a whole in my head,’

‘Well, fill out these forms. You can see the doctor today at least.’

‘Why couldn’t you have called me so I could find another doctor instead of waiting?”

She looked at me as if I were a little insane.

I sat down with my book of forms and filled out some of them. I was so disappointed frankly that I could’t think straight. Then I returned to the desk.

‘If you don’t fill out every one of these forms, the doctor won’t see you at all.’

It was just like at the ashram where they make such a big deal out of the little book. My sister helped me fill out the forms.

‘Susan, the doctor will see you now.’

We went into another room to wait another half hour or so. It was very clean and very cold from the air conditioning and…..the lack of love!

I ate some peanut butter biscuits as the stress level makes my sugar act crazy.

Finally he came in with a great show of affection for my sister who is beloved by one and all everywhere we go and I always hope for the left over crumbs.

‘How’s your breathing,’ he asked.

‘Not so good,’ I replied before realizing that he was speaking to my sister.

‘What are your problems?’

I pulled out a sheet I had drawn up listing eight health problems I felt I needed help with.’

‘Very good,’ he said looking at the whole in the head.

‘Could it be a concussion? It’s been a month,’

‘Did you loose consciousness?’

‘No’

‘it is a contusion’ It will take another month for that scab to come off. Keep it clean.’

‘What about my heart? I had an echogram and they said I had a slit in my aorta which could be a …like when a tire blows out.’

‘very unusual for a woman.’

I didn’t get a chance to ask about the virus my sister says I don’t have. I coughed so much the other night I threw up into my hands. But he was in a hurry. Listened with his stethoscope. Felt my waist .

‘I don’t know about these insurance companies,’ he said. ‘My office staff isn’t here today. Call me tomorrow.’

On the way out I said to the lady who had been so rude, ‘Shall I call tomorrow?’

Lady said, ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’ She really did.

Conclusion: Maybe I tend to be rather a hypochondriac and expect someone to give a rat’s tail about my health. Doctor Swami will give me the care I need….not want. He’s been riding around in that chair for some time now.. We don’t know how much pain He’s in or if He even allows Himself to feel it. I remember once long ago he said the pain was unbearable. But He has been in that chair for sometime and sometimes we look at His feet and weep because they are so puffy.

He is our example and He is teaching us to get over body consciousness. How can we know that we are the Atma when we think that we are this body? When that goes only Atmic consciousness is left.

I think maybe gratitude is also a factor. I complained about that General Hospital every single time I went. That general hospital staff of sweetly smiling ladies, my friends, who worked themselves every day climbing up that steep hill. They never refused to see me, demanding as I was, even when I didn’t bring that damn little book. Please Swami. Please Doctor Swami, forgive me for being unkind to your living saints at general hospital.

#4 #5 # 6 ‘On Leave'

On Leave #5

Sai Wonderland West

Perhaps some of us would never have seen the west again if this new ‘visa demon’ hadn’t come along. I know I wouldn’t have. My only worry was, what if I had a stroke or Alzheimer’s, and who would see that I got down to the Chittravathi.

The very few westerners who were going and coming happily were viewed as having some sort of a perversion that made them LIKE the materialistic west. How could they actually enjoy being back there in all that decadence. Must not be very spiritual!

Well I’m here to tell you that the west isn’t decadent unless you are really decadent yourself and in that case the east would be too.. The entire scene depends on the perceiver. I have found that if you think about Swami, do a few prayers everyday and maybe hum a bhajan or two under your breath between TV shows, there is definitely bliss. You are in Prasanthi Nilayam.

Just where is this materialistic west anyway? Maybe its for rich people cause, folks, when you’re buying your clothes in a resale store and using ‘food stamps’ its hard to be materialistic.

It has taken me over two months to get out of the long cotton dresses I brought from the ashram. I bought four pairs of walking shorts and an equal number of tank tops from the thrift store and now I look like everyone else although no one else cares around here. No one stared when I wore the maxi dresses but I’m a lot more comfortable in shorts.

Did I tell you that it is definitely hot here in Florida? But see, I really don’t care. India was hot too and the dry desert heat literally burned my arms. Here I am bathed in perspiration and hey, one small breeze will cool me off.

Eating isn’t a problem either and I’m a diabetic. My sister has invented what she calls, ‘the glog’ not to be confused with, ‘the blog’. You just throw rice and beans and veggies into a big pot and let it simmer. By using canned veggies you avoid having to actually cook or use one of those ‘crock pots’ which is a lot of trouble. To tell you the truth neither of us care too much about what is going into the stomach as long as it’s fairly good for you. Old age will take away a lot of desirers materialistic and otherwise. Sometimes we add tomato sauce and sometimes we don’t and everything else varies according to the different kinds of canned veggies. we can find at, ‘The Dollar Store’ Our treat is a no sugar chocolate bar which we break off each day.

So is this the big bad materialistic West? I reckon I lived at an ashram too long to be materialistic now. My family never was anyhow. My sister’s desires begin and end with antique furniture which she can use here in this house or ship out to her various children,

It’s like whatever you are really interested in, inside, will manifest We don’t even hit the ‘yard sales’ anymore. To tell you the truth except for Swami’s darsan I feel as if I am still living at the ashram. only withTV. We live a very quiet life: she is writing a book and I’m blogging. We walk the dog and I read my prayer books, we went to church a couple of times and we went to the Sai Center last week. I found out they do a lot of seva with the homeless and I’d like to get involved with that. The weather is good and with the downturn many people are living on the streets in the city but not out here. Jungle Ave. is quiet, no pollution and very little crime. Again we’re reasonably poor so why bother with us.

You know I’ve been dreading ‘the west’ for years.

TIPACAL CONVERSATION

‘So, how long have you been living here in India, Susan?’

‘Twenty years’

‘Twenty years witout going back?’

‘Yep’

‘Why for heavens sake.’

‘because my pension is small. I only have one sister left and she doesn’t need me because she has 6 kids and dozens of grandchildren, and I really have no place to stay. Besides, I’m just not interested in the bad old materialistic west. I wouldn’t be happy living back, it’s not spiritual.’

‘Why do you like it here in India ?’

‘Swami, of course but also I have a place on the ashram’

‘But isn’t it up four flights’

‘Yes’ Good for me.’Besides I’m surrounded by Commandos with AK

47s and other weapons. Its still peaceful Prasanthi, though.’

‘Don’t the crowds bother you? 20, 30,000 people everyday, sitting long hours in cramped lines, queuing for meals, for the bank and for darsan.’

‘They do bother me somewhat.Sometimes when you’ve crunched up as tight as you can get in the darsan lines and the security girl tells you to make room for another line and its only 3:30 and you know He isn’t coming for another 2 and a half hours, You get bothered. Sai Ram,

But you know, this tough tapas has done the trick to an extent. I’m really less selfish and more self controlled. I really am grateful to Swami for the transformation. And, you know, I can only live here in St. Petersburg happily by knowing that it is temporary. If I thought I couldn’t go back to India I don’t think I could live with that. I love my sister but I belong at the lotus feet.

‘Don’t you know that the lotus feet are omnipresent?’

‘I love Swami with an without form, form and forrmless’.

On Leave #6

Atma Coming, going, staying

This is a difficult blog to write and it may not be the last word on the subject. I have decided to stay here in Florida at least through Swami’s 85th birthday because I’ve been through many birthdays and they are always so hectic that I ended up hiding in my room on the final days. This 85th birthday will be a cosmic extravaganza and no matter how good my health is, I would be staggering and falling all over the place.

So this morning I asked Precious Swami, the 64 dollar question.

Now Swami would never in a million years ever ever give me the feeling that He is rejecting me or anything. Even if it were true that now I belong in the west as my ‘India’ period is over, He would never tell me that because it would be the end of me. I simply couldn’t take it. I mean, I could not survive even a single day thinking that Swami was happy with my being away from my Ashram. It is ‘my ashram’ and always will be. I’ll let all of you come and go and enjoy His Darsan and so forth but the Ashram belongs to me so take that, Mr. Charavathi!

So I had to think of a clever way to ask without giving up my ownership, without any chance of rejection.

If the question, ‘Should I stay in the west?’ were to receive a positive reply, it could mean many things.

It could mean, ‘Yes stay there because you’ve accomplished all the spiritual progress you can in the 30 years you’ve been here, and that would devastate me.

Or it could mean, Yes stay there, your spiritual grace, your good spiritual karma has been used up…..devastation big time.

Or it could mean, ‘Yes, stay there and do something good for others for a change.’ But He knows how I’m always trying to help others even though I know He’s the only doer.

Or it could mean, ‘Yes stay in the west and take care of your health as you don’t have much time left.’ He’d never say that.

So after pondering this deeply I came up with: ‘ Swami, would it be the very, very best thing for me to stay here in Florida and not return until this colossal birthday celebration is over?’

And I got a ‘yes’.

That was five hours ago at 3 am.

At first I was blissful because I really do love it here where everything is so comfortable and my precious sister is so kind.

Then I got a little short of breath and felt a bit desperate.

Swami has been my ‘raisan d’ eter’, my reason to live for 30 years and a little bit more.

You know those black holes in the cosmos which suck in all the galaxies? I felt the earth moving under my feet..

And its only been five or ten minutes. How can I stand it for the rest of the year?

I began to reason with myself.

I feel as close to you, Swami right now as I ever did been in my entire life…..and…maybe…just maybe now, maybe He is, at last giving me more love in my heart to give back to Him.

Maybe there will be more intimacy not le ss. Maybe my progress towards knowing who I really am, will speed up, not stop.

MAYBE

#1 #2 # 3 ‘On Leave'

#1 ‘On Leave, Sai Center Atma

Yesterday was Sunday and so my sister and I went to the Sathya Sai Baba Center of Tampa Bay which is in Clearwater quite a distance away. I think we were able to be His instruments in afew ways.

To begin with, of course, we couldn’t find it because Belcher Road changes numbers as it runs out of the city limits of St. Pete, through part of Clearwater and then back into St. Pete again where the old numbers resume. Anyway we stopped at a neighbourhood ‘7-11’ store and my sister jumped out to get directions. The guy behind the counter was an Indian American and so was one of the customers.

Betty came out to the car again after talking to them. They were Sai Devotees and so when I heard that, I rushed inside the store, namaste-ing as I ran in.

‘Nameste’ I called

‘Nameste, are you Indian?’ the lady customer asked

‘No I’m not’ I replied, grabbing her arm, ‘but I lived in India for 30 years so I’ll bet I’m more Indian than you .’

‘Do you speak Hindi?’

It always comes down to that. You know, though I tried many times. I could never learn Hindi.

‘No, I don’t have an Indian brain,’ We all laughed.

They were Sai devotees but had no idea that there was a Sai Center anywhere around even. So I promised to come back and tell them if I found the Sai Baba Center.

We continued on Belcher and finally found the address in a shopping mall.

‘Oh Lord, it’s like a store front church.’ I grumbled, but it wasn’t at all.

At last there was a sign, ‘Sri Sathya Sai Baba Center of Tampa Bay’ so my sister parked the car and we went in. Putting our shoes on a rack in the lobby, Betty and I passed through the beautifully embossed swinging doors emblazoned with the Sarva Dharma symbal and found our way down front with the help of a sweet young Indian girl. The serene devotional vibrations literally knocked me off my feet and I skinned my knee as I tumbled to the floor. It was a very grand entrance and everyone rushed over to pick me up. It must have been an omen of some kind.

By the way let me tell you this before I forget. On the Today TV show there was a Nurse Practitioner who advised the public to leave our shoes outside the living room, maybe in a hallway because they have discovered that all kinds of germs and diseases can be found on the shoes we wear outside. It’s only taken middle class western society a couple thousand years to see the wisdom in this piece of Indian cultural behaviour.

Let’s see, where was I?

Oh yes, Inside the room which was full of customs and large comfortable chairs, the raised altar was like a stage in a theatre with a red carpet, and a beautifully upholstered red velvet throne for the Lord. On either side of the throne were large baskets of fresh tropical flowers. The larger than life size picture of our precious Lord hung from the ceiling behind. It may have been the power of that picture looking at us directly, holding up His Abeya hand, which made me stagger and fall to the floor.

Just before falling over I remember protesting the chair they wanted to give me to sit in, saying, ‘but, I always sit on the floor!’

The President of the Center was a nice looking young Indian fellow who was very low key. After they picked me up and guided me to a chair, everyone was looking at me. The president explained to the group that sometime during the week, the founder of the center, 92 year old Esther, a dear friend of mine had called him to say that I might be coming on Sunday. So with everyone sitting there looking at me after my introduction as the 30 year veteran of Prasanthi. I felt obliged to say something. I said that since my return I had found that Swami is residing here in my heart just as I was sure that each one of them had also discovered Him living in their hearts because how else could they live knowing His form was so far away in India.

It was then that Dr. Gita and her husband arrived. I think that they must have something to do with the center premises as her oncology practice is next door. Anyway I knew her from Prasanthi. She seemed happy to see me and again explained to the group my ‘veteran status’.

After things quieted down from my spectacular entrance, (I had told my sister earlier that we should try to sit in the very back and we didn’t have to talk to anyone. Swami had other plans) the President explained that this was a study circle and the first topic for discussion was, ‘what makes a good Sai Center leader’ I had never been to a study circle before and everyone spoke their ideas in turn. My sister said that she was happy with the transformation she had found in me. Those are not her words exactly but sort of the idea.. I accepted it as a compliment. One lady said that we were all leaders and we were all followers which I agreed with Another lady said that years ago in an interview Swami had explained that He was the servant. Everyone was horrified but the Lord insisted that He was here on earth as the servant of the servants. When it came to my turn I said that I had never thought about the leadership role as at Prasantrhi we lined up and ran in to take our places and did exactly what the seva and security asked us to do because the only real leader there was….Mrs. Shourie! Everyone laughed as I went for the joke. Then I corrected myself and said ‘that, of course I really knew Swami was the only leader. The gentlemen seemed to draw a blank at my response as they were all much more interested in being leaders. Then the next topic was, ‘what is a good Sai Devotee’ I threw them another curve and said…..’one of the Divine Mother’s names is,’ she who is won by loving kindness’ and that I thought love was the greatest duty of a Sai devotee. I said we should send Swami’s love to everyone, even when we are standing in the lines at the supermarket. Then my sister told about the two Sai devotees at the ‘7-11’ who had never heard of this Sai center and that maybe they should let people know they were there. I later told my sister that Swami said, ‘no advertising’ but I did think she had a good point.

After the study circle part was over we had our community singing. Almost everyone in the center is going on the pilgrimage to Parthi next week where they will converge with thousands more USA devotees. They had prepared some songs for the pilgrimage and the words were up on the big computer screen so we could sing along

After that we all got up. I was very dizzy even though I had eaten some peanut butter crackers half way through the sing-a-long. I asked Dr. Gita to speak to me afterwards. She is a cancer doctor and I was afraid this thing on my forhead was squamus cancer as it is the same dark color as the place on my back which was removed. After she heard that the sore was only 10 days old she said that cancer doesn’t act that way. I asked her if I could go to India with the group but she explained they were leaving in a week’s time. I had no visa or ticket. She said I was pushing it and I agreed,

After wards they passed vibhuti and also gave us flowers….roses to take home. Betty and I left.

On the way home we had been driving for a while when I remembered the 7-11 Indians,

‘Oh Betty, could we stop?’ I asked

‘Oh no, Susie, that was way back there,’

‘No, its right there, Betty look’

It was and it was obvious Swami seemed determined to let this 7-11 fellow know about the center.

I was still very dizzy but ran in and gave the fellow Betty’s rose and a slip of paper with the address. I asked if he had any cheese crackers and he pointed them out to me. I was so dizzy I couldn’t find anything but he left the front of the store and got them for me.

‘How much’ I asked digging in my purse,

‘Oh no, thanks for everything,’ he replied as I ran back to the car.

I thought to myself that even if nothing else had been accomplished, my sister and I had helped this guy to go to the Sai Center and see Swami.

On Leave with the Atma #2

92 year old Atma

After the Sai Center meeting, I called Esther, the who is a devotee from the Center. She is an elderly lady who started the St. Pete Sai Center 30 years ago, at the same time I took off for India. Actually we were both in the same group but Esther returned to St. Pete and I went back to California. Esther and her brother pitched right in after their return and began one of the first Sai Centers in north America. in 1974. She had a beautiful singing voice and her brother was in the theatre so between the two of them a wonderful Sai Center came into being and was highly successful. Anyway, a few days after I went to the Center 10 days ago, I called Esther who is now 92. ‘Do you have someone to take care of you?’ I asked. knowing that her brother had passed away a few years back. ‘Oh no! I value my solitude too much to have anyone stay here. I have Swami and besides I can go in and out of meditation during the day.’ ‘Sai Ram, what about shopping?’ ‘Oh there is a wonderful young lady from the Center who takes me to the doctor and shopping. She’s very much into seva. I don’t drive any more.’ ‘Oh, did I meet her at the Center?’ ‘No I don’t think so. Her name is Daniela and she works as a nurse part time so she can only come every other week. She is going to Prasanthi day after tomorrow with the other devotees from our Center. ‘Maybe she can take me to the Center when she gets back. My sister took me last week but you know she isn’t a devotee so it was a big favour.’ “I’ll ask her to call you. She’s taking me to the Doctor tomorrow.’ She also gave me Daniela’s phone number and I left a message on her cell phone suggesting that she might want to stay in my room at the ashram in round house 3. She called me back and we made arrangements for her to come over and pick up the keys to my room, The day before leaving for India, Daniels came for the keys. We had a nice visit and my sister was very impressed with her . I also gave her some extra money to give to my friends, Nagamani and Sathyapa who are keeping my room clean. It had been almost three months and I was sure they would be short of money. During our conversation Daniela said that she wasn’t married but was sure that Sai Baba would choose a very nice husband for her, just as He had chosen what kind of seva she should be doing. My sister was very impressed by her attitude. I was talking about seva opportunities with my sister and how I would be joining in. I was even thinking that I might volunteer to work at the resale store where I get all my clothes. My sister didn’t seem to think that was a terrific idea. ‘Daniela is trusting Sai Baba to chose her husband, Susie, I think that’s wonderful. Why don’t you just go to the Center and pitch in with whatever they suggest?’ ‘Yes well, this has always been a problem for me, Betty. As you know I am such a ‘plaanner’ always full of ideas. But this time I will try to do as you suggest and ‘let go, let God.’ My doctor’s appointment is in a week and I will finally find out about my health issues, my virus. I still believe I have some sort of systemic infection but we will see. My sister favours the ‘allergies’ idea. I’ve been sick for so long. If they can’t find anything really wrong I could in theory go right back to India. I am so very happy here, I would want to wait at least until September….my birthday which just happens to be the same day as Shirdie Sai Baba’s birthday.

On Leave #3

Sai Ram,

The crowds are starting to build here. A thousand Americans are coming in the next day or two. In the meantime other groups are coming and going. More buildings have been painted white. South One has been repainted with colors and looks wonderful. The Western Canteen opened Monday night. It looks great with the new paint job inside and out. What a joy to have the canteen back to get food we like at prices we can afford. The North Indian Canteen opened on the 16th. The Shopping Center changed it time schedule to 8:30 to 11:00 and 3 to 5:30. The Book Store afternoon hours are 3 to 6. You can go to theses places and still make darshan. How long these timings will remain in effect is anyone’s guess. Outside, more buildings are being constructed all over the place and some actually getting finished. I received word that a group of about 1600 people from United Kingdom are expected here from July 30th to August 7th. It is exciting to be here with all the preparations for 85th Birthday, World Conference and, in a month, Guru Poornima. Baba remains Love Incarnate blessing us whether he is physically present or not. On Monday, 21st, Baba physical form remained hidden all day. The surprise was in the evening of having arati to a chair at 6:30. However, Baba blessed us all. Great darshan on the other nights. On Sunday, 20th, Baba spent a lot time with the primary school kids sitting on the woman’s side near the mandir. They were eager to see him. At that tender age their love for him is fathomless and unconditional. Baba also had several long talks with people on the verandah. Baba came into the Hall at 6:40, reached verandah center at 7:05 with arati at 7:12. Baba stayed about another 5 minutes or more talking to people and just sitting. His energy and Love was felt all over. We felt blessed. On Saturday, the 19th, there was a musical drama performance by the Bal Vikas and young adult groups from Hyderabad. The drama exemplified several of Baba’s teaching that they have put into effect such as job training. The group originally consisted of 1000 people who had tickets to return by train on the 19th at 7:00. Those connected with the drama changed their tickets to the next day while the bulk of the group left as planned. Baba came at 6:29 and reached verandah center at 6:44. The 50 minute performance beginning at 7:05. Arati was at 8:05. The drama “Dorakunaa ithuvanti Seva” was about there being no greater worship the selfless service. Friday, 18th, was a special day. Baba came for morning darshan at 8:30. At verandah center Baba met with many students until He left to bless some medical students. Returning to verandah center at 9:35 to the sound of intense bhajans singing, Baba spent 5 more minutes before asking for arati. There were very few people as his physical presence was not expected. Those who were felt very blessed and enjoyed the darshan undisturbed by people. In the afternoon Baba came into the hall at 6:37 and was at verandah center at 6:50. A student and his family were blessed by a 50 minute interview. Bhajans continued. After 8 Baba went along the wall of the hall to the back door, turned left and returned to verandah center at 8:10. He was greeted by very loud and enthusiastic bhajans. Arati was at 8:13. On Thursday, 17th, Baba went to the Super Specialty Hospital area in the late morning and toured the ashram to view the progress being made on the construction of the new sheds and other projects. In the afternoon, Baba came at 6:48 going through the men’s and women’s sections but before going up the women’s ramp he detoured up the aisle opposite, made a u-turn to come up to the verandah. Baba spent some time with the birthday boys as they paraded up for his blessings. Arati was at 7:57. In other news, Puttaparthi having been declared a tourist destination spot by the government of India will now be having helicopter tours between here and Bangalore. Also the government is going to arrange a laser show during Baba’s birthday and world conference. Furthermore, the tourism department is going to run mini buses in Puttaparthi. Thought of the Day March 8, 2010. People believe in the Divine according to the stage of their inner progress and maturity. Some worship Rama and Krishna in Ayodhya or Mathura as the Poornam (absolute manifestation of Divinity). It is not at all wrong to do so. Only, one should not proclaim that their belief alone is the truth, the forms which they have ascribed are the 'only' names and forms of the Divine and that all other Names and Forms are worthless and inferior. 'Poornam' implies that the Lord is Universal. One must always be conscious of this and acquire the vision that all forms of God are equally valid and true. - Baba Take Care. Be Well and Happy Gerald