Atma not having fun

Haven’t written for a while because my mind has been confused with all these silly details

I will try to explain what has been happening, BORING AS IT IS.

I hit my head on the open cabinet door. As always, I ignored it as long as possible, maybe two or three days, and then it was throbbing a little. When I looked in the mirror it was a dark red colour and yet it hadn’t been bleeding. You remember that it has been only a little over a year since my sqamous cancer episode. That sore on my back was also that funny dark red colour….then there was another thing of sqamous on my neck also on the right side. I had plastic surgery twice in Super Specialty.

Nothing is easy. I applied for Medicaid and was approved but the primary physician I choose was my sister’s doctor because she has such faith in him and also because I don’t drive. So they gave me an appointment 6 weeks away….before this hit on the head. Now I have to wait to see the doctor even though the need may be urgent.

I have other health issues too such as my chronic upper repertory infection which has kept me depressed for years.

Ok that’s one bad thing. There are others. I asked Swami if I could go back in July. He said yes. He always says yes unless it would be a disaster. So I changed my ticket so that when I applied for visa I could give them a date. But my health issues may not allow me to do that. I got a ticket with aisle seats all the way which is good when you have to sit there for 15 hours, trust me! If I can limp back to Prasanthi I will, except for the problem with the visa.

It seems that you have to produce a copy of a round trip ticket to the Conselet in Houston in order to get a visa. I came to the states on a round trip ticket and will go back on the other half. They want to make sure you are going to leave India so they want to see the proof.

So I can’t get a visa unless I can prove I’m only staying no more than six months. And my ticket may have to be changed again….for $200. One thing is my ticket is good until April 2011 so I should be able to figure out things by then.

I realize all these things are tests to see, for one thing how much I want to return to the crowds and 46 degree Celsius weather to see Swami who is giving less darsan these days. But I have my place there and have always felt that His lotus feet are the home of my soul.

We know don’t we that these are only tests by our precious Lord who never sleeps and is always and forever working on our transformation.

And yet He tells us:”Oh No! do not blame me for the pain and sorrow caused by these tests. YOU are the one who is bringing them on. YOU are the one who tests yourself in order to purify your karma.

BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE ONE

Nevertheless it is harder to love Swami when things are not going well. But if you really think about it, the love we have for Him isn’t really based on events or physical things is it? No because, the love we have for our Swami is the love we have for our very own self

I have loved Him for such a very long time. It was 1974 when I first saw His picture and started weeping right there in the book store. I was crying out of the joy I felt at having found Him at last.

Now Swami is a part of my being. I can’t imagine not loving Him and yet it is more than ‘love’….it’s simply being. For one thing it is a deep abiding feeling which has never changed since the day in the book store. Just as Swami never changes because He is God, that feeling inside which is His essence, also never changes either. When I wake up in the morning even in the midst of trials and tribulations, I look first inside my heart and find that it is right where I left it the night before. I know that sounds like duality, folks, but it seems to be good to focus on a place in the heart rather than His omnipresent Self.

Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like without His presence there in my heart. Try it! I’ll bet you can’t do it either because that’s where He remains and He will never let you go. If you think He isn’t there it’s only your warped imagination. Take a deep breath and let your subconscious mind bring Him there. HE NEVER MOVES. ITS ONLY THAT YOU MOVE AWAY FROM HIM

If you feel you have lost Him perhaps you have really lost the awareness of yourself, as happens sometimes.

Anyway, as you can see, things are not going real well down here in Florida, inside the deep waters of the Gulf or the deep waters of my subconscious.

I don’t know if I mentioned that our dear programmer is going to spend a month on leave. He’s going to see Lord Shiva for July though He has already done a website for Lord Nataraja. He’s really going into the omnipresence of the invisible Shiva. Someone said everything you can see with your eyes is not real but the reality it that which is unseen. He is going to go on a Holy trek to Mt. Kailas. So he will not be here to do the work on the blog which also will be on leave. I may write anyway and save them in a folder. OM NAMAH SHIVAYA, OM SRI SAI RAM