Dearest Graduates

The trip had been pretty hard even though they met every plane with a wheel chair and wheeled me to where I was suppose to me.

I had had ‘loose motions’ before getting on the plane and took an Imodium. But from Dubai to Tampa is a 15 hour trip. I was sitting in the middle between a young woman from the states and a man from Calcutta who was about 60. I had taken one cement stopper then there was a lot of gas and I panicked and took another cement stopper. The gas in the middle expanded and I was doubled over in pain praying franticly for help from Swami. I was afrais to get up but finally the nice Indian guy traded with me so I could move a little and stretch my legs. He was defiantly Swami. At the end of the flight he came to find me when the plane was about to land. When I landed I took the shuttle from Tampa to St. Pete. It was a nice ride.

I have been here in the clean beautiful USA now for three weeks. On the outside I am maintaining pretty well trying to take it one day at a time. The first few days were sort of like being in a twilight zone, unreal and clean but scary. I’ve been trying to figure out just what is missing here and of course it is the tremendous spirituality at the ashram and also an unconditional acceptance too by the devotees. The reason I am including all this personal stuff is to show youall the inner traumas I’ve gone through. The first days were horrible as you can see by my email to my friend still on the ashram

My first email was headed by ‘LOST I wrote,

“I feel as if He has taken away everything. I may never go back to India again. I'll just watch tv and eat oatmeal for the rest of my life and try to get along with my sister. I am applying for medicare and may get extra money. But I feel coompletely lost and wonder if i ever really believed in all my friends like mother kali and Lord krishna. Maybe I didn't and also His form has disappeared from my heart. By the way, is it still so hot there and where is the lord now. Did you ever put me on that fellow’s list?

That ‘LOST” email galvanized my friend into action and she asked several of our friends to write to me to try to help. These were very supportive and I think that we devotees should always be more supportive of each other ALL THE TIME. I will include their emails as one of you out there in Blog land may need the same encouragement I needed

From a wonderful friend whose ‘preaching’ was just what I need to hear

Dearest Susan,

Welcome on these shores of your this incarnation's birth! You must be in shock; I was when I heard the almost unbelievable news. But then reflecting about it, and Swami's ways, and your commitment to the Loving Truth, I imagine that progressing further on your path necessitated a return to your roots--this body and psyche's roots. I know I couldn't have gotten what little headway I've gained without returning to my roots with all I learned and experienced at the Sai Source, even when my doubts and fears were uppermost in my mind, esp. when I was sick. Living again here yielded greater perspective, understanding, forgiveness and surrender: intellectual and literal. Will I ever truly let go??? If He graces. I've so admired your commitment over the years and your steady attendence in Darshan, come hell or high water. I know You have His Grace; never doubt it.

When I feel empty, deserted, abandoned and or fearful (fear seems to be the nasty constant for me in all negativity, including, guilt.) I turn to His writings, I am That, or my precious Course in Miracles, which is really Advaita in Christian language, although it doesn't sound like advaita when you first begin. I wish you would consider working the lessons in the Workbook; they always help whomever turns to them for help. There is one lesson for everyday of the year, and they are in order. I think a band of Angels/Devas attends this amazing document and gets to working for us as we proceed with it. I don't have any other explanation for the little marvels that happen alongside its study. Swami's helpers. I think the whole loving Spiritual Hierachy assists Him. Especially your dear divine Mothers.

Back to the Workbook: The first 20 lessons are usually the most difficult for most of us, even though they are so simple because they slowly prepare and condition the mind to really get that anything our senses perceive is just a dream....to grok this viserally, more intimately than just being told the idea, a spiritual fact. The Holographic Universe and all that.

I'm preaching. Forgive, dear one, and just know I wish I could ease what must be a most challenging situation for you. As I say, the Course, which I studied in a small group at a progressive church ( Unity, or the U.U.'s-Universalist Unitarian?, or the Peace Congregation, or the Church of Mind Sci....maybe even the bigger denominations might lend their facilities for a meeting place for the Course, although it's certainly too radical for most of them. I found a group at the U.U. around the corner. It wasn't instant relief but it helped as it's on the same page as Swami's Teachings and the Sai Center was tiny, very young and far away. They were not into Advaita. More Bhajans and squabbling. (They're thriving now and pretty impressive.)

Okay, I need to close this as I'm leaving the area tomorrow. All is better than in a very long time with my brother, after a very rough patch at first. We cleared it up, for the most part. Whew. Sending you sweetest Sai Love and Blessings,

That email from a very respected devotee and another old friend picked me up and dusted me off also. The next one got me on my feet

Hi Susan,

Madam B. told me you were in Florida and could use a boost. I am in Boulder, Colorado. Although Spring is officially here on the calendar, spring gets going here slowly with fits and starts and even now I am peering outside suspiciously wondering if it is warm enough for me to venture forth without my silk thermal underwear on?

Susan, sometimes it takes a while to get readjusted to a new place, a new locale...you were in India for a very long time! You will have to find a new way to connect with Him other than the physical in the Darshan Hall and in your room in Parthi. Everywhere is truly Parthi-- everywhere we can connect-- this is the magic and wonder of it all! But some places and times do seem easier than others-- I grant you this. Sometimes going to a church will help or somewhere where people are thinking about God. And some times it is easier-- usually at about 4am-6am in the morning and 5pm-7:30 pm in the evening the veil seems thinner- avail yourself of these times to meditate to try to connect.

Before the connection is made, we feel like God is nowhere to be found, like He has abandoned us-- like He never existed at all! This is the ego-- this is it's message. The ego wants you to feel morose and crummy and alone and afraid! But this is not the Truth! And I can tell from your gmail address that you DO know and experience what you really are-- 'Sai's Sweet Self'-- that is you, that is me, that is all of us! We are Him and He is us and we have all been give a wonderful opportunity having to stay out of India for at least 2 months -- a wonderful opportunity to see and experience Swami for what He really is and what we really are-- and that is Atma-- that is God. I know you know this and just need a reminder. Every day I have to reconnect with Him too. Every day I struggle to remember who i really am and live this Truth. And it does not come easily. Your Krishna will come (as you know) if you just cry out to Him with a yearning heart. He will come and comfort you and embrace you...

Many things can disconnect us in this world-- the foods we eat, ill health of the body which creates a veil between us and Him, wrong thinking on our part, negative energy around us-- many things can disconnect us, cloud our mind from the Truth. But many things can reconnect us as well and you have Swami's Grace of being with Him for so many many years. Call out to Him for help!! Go for a walk. Smile at ANYBODY and share your love with them for they are hurting too. You have a huge river of love within you that is blocked now and it must flow for you to feel your Self again, feel your Krishna again! Sing bhajans. Say the Name. Find out where your closest Sai Center is and join them-- they would love to see you. Go to your local nondenominational church (or any church) and volunteer! You are gifted writer..perhaps they need something done? Do some gardening. Go sit in the sun. Do something nice for your neighbors- or for anyone! If you can't get out, then do prayers for others as everyone is hurting in this world. You have so much to give, Susan, so much to give!

Parthi is an upside down-inside out place! It is not what it seems.... here He is trying get us all beyond the illusion but the biggest illusion of all is in His physical presence! He is NOT that little body, that little Form! This huge consciousness of love and light has been stuffed into that little Form and He glows all over just like a bright bright light that has been stuffed into a small box and can't be hidden! It's just like that! Funny, isn't it? But we are like that too and we are all called to GET BEYOND THE PHYSICAL FORM because if we don't, Swami is a failure-- yes, He has failed and we have missed His biggest teaching and that is that there is NO DIFFERENCE between us and Him! He is here to teach us what WE ARE---- we also know on some level but we have forgotten and He is here to shake us up, wake us up so that we too realize the truth about ourselves. This is a great gift, a great opportunity He has given all of us to have to leave for awhile. So take advantage of this opportunity to grow and shine and show others what a real Sai Devotee is like, loving and kind and giving and selfless and make Him proud. I am trying my best to do this here too....

I love you Susan, and I send you all my love, and hugs and blessings,

She said in her email, , “No difference between us and Him and He is here to shake us up, wake us up so that we too realize the truth about ourselves.” I knew that she was right. By now I’m creeping back, not to normal but at least to a nearly normal state. More tomorrow